I never thought a sci fantasy movie would affect my sexuality so much.
Ever since the start of middle school, i’ve known i’m gay. I remember not really caring at the time as love life didn’t really matter when you’re 9/10 years old. But it wasn’t until the half way point of my school life i started to hate myself and my sexuality.
Everyone im my classes called gay people ‘fags’ and wanted to hurt gay people and probably worst things which ive blocked out. This affected me hard.
I hated who i was and didnt feel like i belong anywhere. I developed mental health issues which im still not open about to this day, I continue to bottle up my feelings to my family and most of my friends. I was definitely at my all time low.
I remember being in my first year of high school still with these problems just following me. One day i noticed something. My dad and brother are massive star wars fanboys but i always shrugged it off as their little niche. This was December 2015, hype about ‘The Force Awakens’ everywhere! Everyone was talking about it. So i listened to my dad for once and watched a trailer for a movie which would soon change my life for the better.
‘Yeah, i guess that looks cool.’ But again, I shrugged it off! This made my dad so disappointed. I can see his face drop right now. It wasnt until…i guess, ‘15th December 2015'. i had two more days of school then i was off for the holidays! Normally i watch a tv show and just act lazy on my last two days but i watched basically everything on netflix.
I thought ‘y’know. i might as well try it.’. I started ‘The Phantom Menace’. Although it wasn’t the best choice and i didnt enjoy it, i LOVED the setting and politics along with obi wan and the concept of jedi. I binged the prequel movies staying up until 5am. In the morning, i convinced my mum to let me stay home. I watched the original trilogy all in one sitting.
I was so mad at myself that i ignored this incredible series! I loved Luke, Leia and Han (also this is how i got my crush on harrison ford). And what made it better? The Force Awakens released the next day. I phoned my dad saying, ‘Yeah uhhh…I think your gonna have to buy me a ticket to star wars’.
I was finally enjoying myself! Finally! All because of these movies.
The night of The Force Awakens may be one of my favourite nights, ever. And i finally got what i wanted. A Black Gay Man!!! Although it wasn’t confirmed i was convinced that finn and poe were in love. It made my night.
After this, I got into the star wars books, comic books etc. I was even happier. LGBT ppl were finally getting rep! Seeing that there was gay, non binary and other, characters made me so happy and showed that we are getting closer and closer to a gay character, relationship or lgbt whatever, in the main star wars movies.
If finnpoe does become canon, I’ll be happy, emotional and gay As Fuck.