The Animal Elitist Committee

A serious discussion on the zodiac

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You probably have heard of the twelve animal Chinese zodiac that cycled every 12 years, and that this new year is a Rooster one. If you’ve watched the movie Curse of the Golden Flower (must watch, if you haven’t; your eyes will be seeing gold for awhile and you’ll appreciate your family better), you probably have noticed the palace attendants announcing time using the twelve zodiac animals. They went around the corridors chiming bells chanting “It’s the Pig Hour!”.

In order, the 12 animals are: Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog, Pig. Apparently, there was a heavenly race to determine the order. I don’t know in what universe any other animals could win over the Dragon, but I’m pretty sure there was foul play. The Rat, for example, rode on the Ox’s back until they were close to the finish line and then jumped off, thus being first. There was also gossip that the Cat was tricked and couldn’t join the race. Thus forever holding its grudge for the Rat.

I’ve concluded that divine voices have explicitly told humans of this race story and it’s a true one. I heard that unless someone have proof otherwise, the hypothesis is solid. When you look at the list, you see animals that you might find around you back when people lived near forests and nature, and not in metro cities. Then you see ‘dragon’ there, now where did that come from? Surely if the list was done by humans they would’ve kept to the more common animals?

There must have been a committee in the heavens that convened, argued, pored over who to invite to the race and who should stand beside who to avoid awkward social and food chain situations. A gigantic hammer the size of the mountain would’ve been pounded eventually, and the list stamped by the Heavenly Notary Office.

After the race was over, the public relations office called the astrologers over to announce the results and forever divide humans to each be one of the twelve possible animals.

I have a problem, and I would like to sue the committee. I just don’t know where to start the judicial process, which jurisdiction would this fall under, what’s the address, how do I attend without being dead?

As for why, I’d argue that a representative of the turtle family should’ve been invited. We knew in all universes that the turtle would win over the rabbit, and had they been invited, I would’ve had a chance at being a turtle.

Instead, I grew up knowing I was a dog. A female dog — the word for a female dog makes things awkward so I skipped it. On top of that, I heard that I am a water dog. I’m not sure what water dogs are, but from the sound of it they would like water. I don’t especially like being in the water.

The dog is number 11 on the list, and though it is a cycle — so what’s the point of the race? — I would’ve rather be a winning turtle. So there.

If you know how to fix this, please message me.

Happy new year for all of you celebrating!