Worry Less & Take More Chances- What I Learned About Myself Before Turning 30
By Babee Garcia
For the first 10 years of my life, I mostly did what I was told. There were very few times where I did something I wasn’t suppose to- mimicking my parents’ cuss words, not making my bed, and continuing to eat junk food when I knew I would regret it when it came to trying on clothes in the dressing room. I struggled with being comfortable with my body and it impacted my self-esteem. I thought that maybe by wishing I was older, things would become easier. I’m not just talking about weight problems. I struggled with mental health issues as a child, but was too coward to tell my family. Watching my parents’ argue and fight in front of us, all while growing up and understanding the world around me mixed with figuring out who I was, took its toll. So I masked my emotions and carried on with my life- sacrificing my physical and mental health in order to be the good, happy girl I was expected to become.
From age 10 to 20, it was still figuring out who I was meant to be. It was about having crushes on boys when I should have been studying for a test. I was learning how to adjust to puberty while feeling alone after my parents split up for good. It was dealing with my first suicidal thought at 14 and having my best friend talk me out of not jumping off the roof. It consisted of me bouncing around at hotels at the same age where I was a freshman in high school with my mother, on the floor of an apartment in Seaside Heights when I didn’t have a bed at 15, changing schools, and avoiding all contact with my brothers while they lived with my father. Keeping things together kept getting harder, but I did my best to not make it obvious.
Things started to get better drastically in my 20s. I guess you can say everything fell more into place. I made life-changing decisions that shaped who I was as a young lady. A foul-mouthed woman with independence, longing for a sense of purpose, my soulmate, discipline, goals, and self-awareness. It was all chaos, but I liked it. I handled it more with grace, courage and strength. Most things didn’t go according to plan. I wanted things to work out like the way I pictured it would, but I realize that you don’t always need to have a plan in order for experiences and relationships to improve.
Not all moments of my existence were terrible. And when they were, I would envision what my life would look like if I were older each time. Fast forward to entering my 30s this weekend, I no longer wish I were older. I want it to slow down and not speed up as much as I used to. I understand how time works now- how fast it goes, how much we could lose if we don’t dive in to seek the things we want, and how precious it truly is. This ultimately led up to my first international vacation alone now.
I’m here in Santorini, Greece- an island just full with love. I can see it everywhere I go. Husbands and wives celebrating anniversaries. A mother-daughter duo from Utah who are finishing off their incredible trip around Greece for graduating from high school. A group of friends loving the sunlight and their alcoholic beverages at Perissa Beach. Here, I’m relearning to love myself again.
Throughout my life, I’ve fallen in and out of love with myself. I have felt guilty of some of life choices. I’ve trusted people too easily, expecting some to change if I stuck around long enough. Too much complaining and too many failed attempts to guide myself towards a healthier outlook on life. The decision to fly over 16+ hours to Santorini stemmed from a number of reasons. Some people may not comprehend why, but as a woman, traveling solo means much more than just sipping margaritas at the bar and ditching responsibilities at home.
I came to Greece truthfully to find answers on how I can change to be a better person, to reflect on my decisions, to forgive myself and the people I hurt, to accept the relationships I gave up on, and to heal. This is a trip to rely on my instincts, research, and skills instead of others to guide me through an unfamiliar territory. This is a vacation solely for myself to savor every bite of food, moments of silence, absorb the culture, and be brave again.
I’ve learned to stop living for everyone else and started following my heart. My choice to come here had emotional and is bound to have an everlasting meaning- to always put myself and my happiness first. This is only day 2 of a long couple of weeks of self-love, care, and continuing to be fearless in my decisions as I enter my 30s.
I can’t wait to see what comes next.
-B.G.
