feel again.

I wish I could cry to make sure I could.

I wish I could have my heart broken to remember that I have one.

I wish I could burn with rage to know I have something worth fighting for.

I wish I could feel again.

I wish to leave this place that expects me to always be happy.

I wish I had the freedom to feel the full spectrum of my emotions.

I wish that I could cry, frown, yell, or stay silent, and it would be okay.

Today, I felt true fear and had tears come to my eyes in genuine sadness.

It felt foreign and it rattled me.

I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish I didn’t have to feel the fear and sadness.

But I am not only a happy person.

I am an angry, passionate, loud, sad, emotional, and quiet person.

I am all those things, yet I can’t express them.

Oh, how I wish that anything less than a smile was okay.

God, I just want to feel again.

I just want to remember that I can be all of those things and it’s okay.

I want to feel my heart beating hard within my chest.

I want to sit in authentic moments of grief and pain.

I don’t even know if I can go there. Not fully. I am not ready.

I am not asking for terrible things to now befall my life.

But will you show me how to feel again?

I wish to know the depths of joy and the depths of pain.

I wish to know how to smile and how to cry.

I wish to remember what it feels like to live to the fullest.

Help me to remember, Lord.