Mommy’s First Dick Pic

I woke up this morning to a conundrum. What is worse, I was forced to decide at the ungodly, bag-eyed hour of 6:15am: To receive an unsolicited dick pic, or to receive an unsolicited dick pic, that was intended for someone else?

The owner of the member in question is one of the few guys that was an absolute no in the first five minutes. He was truly one of my most disappointing Bumble dates. Disappointing, because I really had a good feeling about him and I had gotten my hopes way up. In fact, the only thing more up than my expectations was the turgid eggplant on my phone this morning.

But maniacal ego is hard to hide, and his was on full display- cocky, horny, braggadocio who told me, within the first 30 minutes, that I really wanted to sleep with him, that my body was giving him all the signs that I was ready and willing to be bed. Congrats, you have just achieved Next Level Awkward.

Exactly six months ago, I met the man who reawakened my sexuality. Let’s call him Richard, and not because he has a massive dick, though that is also true. Richard brought me back from the sad path I was headed down- the path of a lonely, asexual middle aged divorcee who was headed for a future alone except for too many cats and a knitting obsession. This was going to be my life, but then Dick happened, and well, the last six months have been a maelstrom of vaginal juices flowing freely.

Not without disappointments and dry patches, such as with the well-endowed sender of the throbbing dick pic. By way of apology he took awkward to a new level, explaining that it’s just because he has so many girls with my name saved in his phone- he got me confused with his actual girlfriend. But, can we go out again he asks?

I could not make this stuff up, which is why I am saving it here for posterity. May it bring you joy, or at least a bit of entertainment. Bumble on.