Why i Love her ?
It was 04:00 AM early in the morning, it was dark outside. I woke up as per my new biological cycle schedule. I was waiting for her message since yesterday, but I was trying to talk to her since she reached there (she moved to another country last week). I changed my schedule just to match with her time zone so I can talk to her at her free time, but she is not getting a single free second to talk.
I came out from my bed room because my friend was sleeping and I needed some loud music in my ears to control my pain inside. So I came to main hall sat down on the sofa and started playing music in my earphone loudly.
She replied to my message after an hour, during that waiting time I did nothing except watching her online-last seen tag on screen. Then I sent her a text and she said she was busy.
I asked myself and to god why I love her ? I have been trying to do every possible thing to make everything good. I felt like I am in hell and getting punishment for something I did which I never intended to do.
I prayed to god that please get me out of this, or fix everything. I want to give up on this because I can’t bear this anymore, but I know he is not going to listen me. He always does this, but this time it’s beyond the limits. First I was dying every day then every hour and now I am dying every second of my life. I don’t feel to work, even I haven’t worked since last few months. I am trying hard to do some work but I can’t. This pain is killing me inside. It’s better to get sick than this.
I am still waiting for her text, staring at the cell phone screen since last 2.30 hours. It’s cold and I can’t feel it because of my pain. I was breaking each and every thing around to me in my mind. I am afraid someday this imagination will become a reality. I always create this imaginations in my mind because i don’t want to hurt myself or damage anything. This pain become unbearable for few hours or days but after some time it feels okey.
I can understand she could be busy in a new country to settle herself down but she could just talk for at least 5 minutes. It makes a lot difference than writing back in a single word after an hour. I did send her some texts asking if she is ignoring me but she said no nothing like that. So what’s the reason you are not talking to me? She told me that she will tell me a few things that happened before she left, but she never told me. Okay I accept we shouldn’t remember bad things but if she doesn’t tell me how can I understand her situation better ? I know she will tell me when time comes but I feel it’s going to be too late then, I don’t want her to remember those bad things again and feel sad.
Last night I was at my friend’s house for a party and they know a little about my one sided love (maybe she knows that I love her, I told her twice before) situation. So, they started giving me some advice to let her go and move on, But how can I do that? I love her and she is the only one that matters to me since I met her. No one can replace her. I tried everything possible to do this but it always got worse. They don’t know her the way I do. So their advices, well I can’t accept or even listen so I left the party as soon as possible. This is not the first time someone told me this but so many times I heard this from people around me. I know her and I am not going to give up on her.
I asked god to tell me one thing why this ? but as we know god never respond in a good or easy way which we can understand. I know I am becoming weak day by day but I don’t have a choice whatever happens I can’t leave her. I still love her and i always will. These days will pass, I have to be strong to bear this pain.
I hope one day she will understand my feelings. She is worth waiting. Hope that day comes soon. I can’t hate her, I just know how to love her and make her happy.
For now i have to take this increasing pain and wait for the right time to tell her again, but that time i have to make sure that she says “yes”. Because i can’t give up on her.
Waiting for her text…