Learning How to Navigate Red Flags.

I’m on this mission to do things differently in my personal life. I’ve become more accepting of my emotions lately, and I’ve started exercising a bit more. I haven’t shied away from my own power. I’m owning my presence, chest up, shoulders back hands on hips. Now doing things differently is transferring into dating specifically.

I feel like if there is a red flag to be had, I’ve been it, dated it, married it, entered into a non monogamous situation, had sex with it… you name it, and it has been me in a relationship. I can’t do that anymore. Doing things differently is uncomfortable, and in a way, those red flags were comforting, like a cozy unhealthy blanket. A pretty, flea infested, moth ridden blanket.

It’s time to ditch that blanket.

Photo via https://www.instagram.com/p/BnXhdjDHn_V/?igshid=gji3nquf8lhd

A friend recently re-posted this on social media. I definitely saw that box and immediately wanted to grab a coffee or a beer with it. Then, my mind fast forwarded six months, and I saw myself, clingy, acting like every inch of the girlfriend I don’t want to be, and came to my senses.

Ignoring red flags isn’t about the other person or their issues. Say it again with me, this time shout it for the people in the back. Ignoring red flags isn’t about the other person or their issues. Ignoring red flags is about doing the internal work that will ultimately make red flags less attractive.

It’s about being so secure within yourself that you know exactly what you want in a relationship and you aren’t willing to accept anything less. Ignoring red flags is about honesty with yourself and the other person. Despite the verb, it isn’t about avoiding anything its about confronting it head on. Knowing that for you, red does mean stop, and when you do, you feel zero guilt. It is a really powerful thing to step into and own.

Different meme, also taken from social media. Change in subject. I’m getting to my point. I promise.

Photo from Don Miguel Ruiz’s Facebook page

I read (Err, listened to then read and highlighted, that is another blog for another day.) this book last summer. It had a big impact on how I approach relationships. The teachings, while simple are profound. They force confronting those red flags, in a gentle, and sometimes not so gentle way.

Be impeccable with your word.

Be honest about what you need and want. This doesn’t mean I am inform someone on a first date that I want to have babies with them. It does mean that if someone is up front about never wanting kids and those are part of my plans, or in my case already part of my life with two kids from a previous relationship, it’s okay to walk away. If I am ultimately looking for a long term committed relationship vs something casual it’s okay to be up front about that.

Don’t take anything personally

As it applies to red flags, and dating this is my chance to hand that threadbare disease infested blanket right back. I am working on my own stuff. I don’t care to take on anyone else’s. This is also my chance to look at my own red flags objectively. Crying on a date? Not a red flag. Crying on a date and then not confronting why? Time to do some work.

Don’t make assumptions.

This is the agreement I struggle with the most. As it pertains to dating, it’s easy for me to look at someone on the surface and see a fun free spirit and assume they are sunshine and light all the way through. In making that assumption I want to ignore all of the dark beneath the surface. I can’t assume that about myself, and I really can’t assume that about another human. That assumption, the one about sunshine and light, in me, has led to some dark spaces. It’s really easy to assume that the person is who they claim they are, or to infer things, but until they show that they are sunshine and light repeatedly it’s best not to assume they are.

Always do your best

Walk away without guilt from a situation that doesn’t feel right. Honor exactly who you are at any given moment. In the four years since my divorce I have been on a fair number of dates. Some left me with butterflies, some left me wanting to craw under the table. Had I done my best perhaps things would have turned out differently. Maybe I would have been more open to the butterflies and less accepting of the cringeworthy. Perhaps I might have even followed my gut and left a date mid dinner when it was clear that it wasn’t going anywhere. Jerk move? Yes. Empowering? Also yes. It takes strength to look someone in the eye and tell them “This really isn’t going anywhere, and I have other places I would rather be."

Those internal red flags are a beast.

I have spent the greater part of this past year really confronting my own red flags, and I’m not done. Like I said at the start of this article, if there is a red flag I have been it. Jumping into a relationship too fast? Check. Not being over an ex? Check. Clingy? Check… in order to become different you actually have to do things differently.

Fake it until you become it.

It isn’t easy to break those old patterns, not at first anyway. That red flag blanket might be threadbare, but it’s still comforting. I watched this Ted Talk a few months ago, and as I navigate this, I find the message transferring to dating for me. https://youtu.be/RVmMeMcGc0Y

Head up, shoulders back, confident. This means not opening myself up and settling into a situation that is just “okay” or “fine” and instead being willing to accept that something remarkable and special is coming.

Fake it until I become it. I’m going to keep not doing the things that didn’t work before because, well, they didn’t work. Newfound self awareness, means fighting the flight response and for once in my life.

In relationship land that means owning what I want in a relationship. That could mean giving something time to grow a little and then pulling the plug on it when I realize it isn’t what I want. It could mean not rushing into something because the sex is amazing. Four years post divorce tells me that good sex is surprisingly easy to find. It could also mean friend zoning someone, and then letting things unfold.

I tend to dip my toe into dating and then back out. That said, if I want to in fact do things differently then perhaps I should stop doing that as well, and rest in the confidence that I will recognize red flags and back away accordingly, and not invite them back to my place for a romp in the sheets.