An Honest Reflection

Originally written on 9/3/16, 5:47 PM

I’m angry at the fact that I can’t positively make a change in my health; not just getting rid of the pain, but regaining the physique I used to have. Every person is unique. Some people are naturally thin. Some people eat like birds and don’t have any weight issues at all. Me, I put on weight fairly easily if I don’t watch what I eat. But most of my life I was a thin athletic person. That’s because I was physically active. I love being outdoors and staying fit. I love to run on trails, hike, bike, play basketball, and go to the gym. This all stopped when the pain I have now took over my life. Don’t get me wrong, I tired and tried to get back to it. That’s why I’ve been to countless doctors, therapists, and practitioners. I wanted to get my active life back and end the suffering. But nothing has worked. I even worked hard to ignore the pain (doctor’s orders) and just go about doing the things I love. I started slow with walking, then jogging, then shooting hoops. Pain was always there. The pain was worse every time I finished my activity. Despite what we thought, the pain wasn’t improving or going away by getting active again. So I’m angry. Not only do I feel pain 24/7, every time I look in the mirror I see a fatter, less attractive, tired and greatly aged face looking back at me. This pain feels like it’s taken so much from me and I want so badly to take it all back. My wife tells me just change my diet, but on top of everything else that’s been taken from me by this pain, I’ll be damned if it takes away the things I can eat too!

I don’t eat terribly. You might have an image of a man sitting on a couch shoveling ice cream and Oreos in his face every night. No. That only happens on occasion now!

I try to eat well. I love all types of food, but I am conscious of what I eat. I eat mostly organic veggies and meats. I also avoid processed foods, fast food, and greasy food. I choose leaner meats and healthier grains. I’ve even adopted a gluten free diet this year.

But the weight is there. I’d have to severely limit what I eat and change my diet entirely to something really restrictive to see pounds drop off. And I simply don’t want to do this. It isn’t how I operate. It’s how my wife operates and that’s why she always tells me I need to stop complaining and just change my diet. But where we differ is I use exercise and activity to maintain a healthy body and life — on top of my food choices (remember they aren’t terrible now). When I can do this, I feel like a million bucks. Running or exercising any time I want feels like a far off, unreachable goal now. And it’s so hard not to be angry at this. Exercise makes me happy. Makes me healthy.

I want to let go of this anger . I want to be happy at the face I see in the mirror again. But that’s hard to do when the person I see looking back at me resembles nothing of the person I truly am or want to be.

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