Originally written on 9/12/16, 6:18 PM
In continuing this journey wherein I open up about my angers and fears with this chronic pain, I’d like to address the following two today:
- The anger I feel about how I’ve become inactive.
- The fear I have that this pain is something life-threatening.
The first is true. The pain obviously has made me more inactive than I used to be. The reason that makes me angry is because I loved to exercise. I loved the way it made me feel. I loved the way it made me look. It also boosted my confidence and self-esteem. I’ve attempted to push through the pain and exercise. I’ve even paid lots of money to hire personal trainers and physical therapists who were aware of my pain to help me get through exercises and routines in a healthy way. It was all just more upsetting and ultimately more painful.
Exercise, any and all of it, hurts. I can do something briefly, but as soon as I begin to really push, give it some grade A effort, the pain creeps in and tells me “Whoa, slow down there hoss.” Despite that, I pressed on several times thinking I needed to just overcome it. That didn’t work either. So I’ve grown sedentary. One because it hurts to try. Two because I don’t like going through the motions if I already know the result — more pain. But I long for the day I can go for a jog again and not have to think twice about it. I want that so bad I can’t put that desire into words on this page.
My wife tells me I’m just being lazy and that I can still go for a walk to stay active, but she, nor anyone, understands this fully. I want to really exercise. I want to sweat. I want to feel that burn. I want that rush of endorphins that boost my confidence and mood again. Walking simply doesn’t do that for me. But this isn’t supposed to be a place for me to mope and whine. It’s a place for me to work through my angers and fears. And to truly work through this I need to let that anger go.
The way I see it, I now feel this pain isn’t permanent. This injury, as Dr. Brent has stated, just hasn’t really been properly diagnosed and treated. He’s now doing that and so there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
As for this pain being something life-threatening, Dr. Brent has also abated this fear of mine. I believe it is curable and within a reasonable amount of time now that I am in the right hands.
I am writing more already. Soon enough I’ll be getting out and exercising more, fingers crossed. It’s just a matter of time. In the meantime, I plan on going on more walks and light hikes with the wife as well. I can do this!