11:09 #2: THE IMPOSTER INSIDE

Aminat Badara
Sep 2, 2018 · 3 min read

…Because if Neil Armstrong felt like an imposter, maybe everyone did. Maybe there weren’t any grown-ups, only people who had worked hard and also got lucky and were slightly out of their depth…. — Neil Gaiman

You start your three-hour commute to work feeling as blue as you have felt in the past months. Staring out of the bus window at Mile 12, your eyes fall on a man that look old enough to be your grandfather, on his head a basket of tomatoes. He looks bent beyond shape and something wields a vice-like grip on your heart. You wish he could find something better but you know better. And so the first and third line of your poem are breathed into existence.

“This is an ode to the hustler…

…the balding heads wielding baskets of produce at Mile 12.”

Few weeks later, you hear about a contest of sorts. All you have to do is make a cover of a song. Your unfinished poem fits the description- a story of finding goodness in you. It takes a while but you finally get it done. Your poem becomes a spoken word performance. You don’t think it’s good enough but it beats not doing anything, so you submit the piece.

The first set of responses are unbelievable. And so are the next reactions you get. How come everybody likes your spoken word performance? How do they not see the shitty, poorly recorded work you put out? How do they find things they can relate to in the piece? How can someone who never liked the original song fall in love with your cover so much so he might start to like the song?How can they say it inspires them?

You move through the motions trying to hide from the small successes the spoken word cover seems to be drawing within your circle of friends and friends of friends. All this would be over soon, you think. They all will soon find out that this is really not all that they make it seem to be, another voice whispers into your head. So even when you get an offer to record it properly, you still think about how much of a fraud you are. So much so, when life throws sour and bitter lemons at you, you grab the lemons and use them as crutches- excuses not to take this a step further.

Deep down you know what all this is. You cannot deal with success. When everyone is reaching for her, when even you want her, a part of you is subconsciously afraid of success. You don’t know if you deserve her despite all the work you put into getting her in bed with you.

You fear you would not be able to cope with her in your life. You’re scared you’d be seen a sell-out or that you would become someone you’re not. You find yourself procrastinating more than ever. You start to get touchy. You wonder what is wrong with you and why you just can’t get grip. You have seen a pattern. The pattern. It’s not just this one occurrence.

You do a quick google search. This thing does exist. And so does the feeling that you’re a fraud and probably don’t deserve your achievements despite how good you are. Feeling like you’re an imposter in your own life actually is a thing. This doesn’t make you feel better but it beats not knowing if something is really wrong with you.

You take a deep breath and go over some of your old works. You can’t believe it was you who did all of these things. They might not be spectacular but they are good. You remember the lady who did spoken word at an event you went to. You listen to Titi Sonuga’s spoken word performances. You take another deep breath and sit in front of your laptop and notepads.

I can do this, a voice in your head says to you and you feel better. I am not an imposter.

But do you really deserve whatever comes right after, another voice says in a not so low whisper.

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This is an 11-part series. Find the first of the posts titled ‘Yes’ here.

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