You Are Alive While You Have Dreams


I was walking down the street after taking my girlfriend home. It was dark and it was raining despite the fact it was a middle of December.

I felt empty. I was not filled with regret, anger or sadness. There was nothing inside. No emotion, no feeling at all. I was empty.

I wanted a cigarette. I don’t smoke. At least regularly. And I am not sure why. Maybe while this short smoking ceremony lasts I feel something or it takes away the mind for a while. Though the second this thought came to me it have already became pointless.

“Everything seems pointless. When these kind of days come by and we go down this emotionless path you always start measuring things. Here it comes…” — a voice in my head whispered.

I have a good job. I mean a really good job with no deadlines, wonderful people to work with and no frustrated boss wondering around just waiting for an opportunity to slap you in the face. I am quite comfortable in this area of expertise too. But when challenges end it instantly becomes boring and this transfers further into my subconscious.

I have a girlfriend. I love her. We had a difficult start and some bumps along our journey which began a year and a half ago but we are happy. Or were happy. Everything seemed fine until the day this emptiness cloud came by. And she is scared that I wont be able to handle it until it affects our relationship in some negative way or oven worse. I am not sure of that eather.

I have great friends. At least a few I can share my deepest thoughts with and I am profoundly thankful for them. But when I am in this condition they rarely hear a word from me and just after a while they notice something is not right. And I do not blame them. I am not sure they can help me in this situation. This is my deal and I alone should be the one dealing with it.

I have a family and though it is a complex case we love each other. Mother, father, each brother and sister. They gave me their heart and so did I in return. I am forever thankful for there continuous support and even just for the fact of them just being here.

“Yes, these are the significant aspects of our life and you just wanted to emphasize them, the way you do every single time, so you knew you’d understood what is truly important in life. But where’s this truly coming from?”

Future goals are a really huge thing in my journey. I had dreams. I have accomplished the most important ones. I loved that drive ideas gave me, the feeling which filled me when I worked my ass of towards their accomplishment. I loved what I did. But now I don’t. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I am seeking for something new.

“So we happen to be in this transition period like waiting for a train?”

When I think of it more clearly, this emptiness comes when I feel I am not moving forward. And when it comes I cannot move forward. At least not so easily. Maybe I just miss actually living life. I don’t feel I am living anymore, just merely existing.

“So this is the vicious circle we’re in. Why aren’t we searching for a way out?”

We will when we’ll have will.
For now I cannot let myself go. My journey must continue.

I unlock my apartment door and slowly step inside.

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