Trapped in Elon’s Mansion Part 5: a cybercomedy in Shakespearean verse

Last year, Elon Musk and I got into a fight on Twitter. And this? This is my revenge.

Joe Bagel
Jay Z

ACT 1.2.0

[ENTER JAY Z AND GRIMES, ON THE PHONE]

JAY Z
Pray, what rogue is calling at this hour?
Oh ’tis Claire, and she’s at Elon’s tower.

GRIMES
Hi Jay, or rather my good Master Zed,
I have not perchance caught him in his bed?

JAY Z
Indeed, I lie by my beloved… Bey
What bothers thee that could not wait till day?

GRIMES
Forgive me Master Zed, thine theft of zees,
My head’s been cleft like t’were a mound of cheese
I’ve spent days in Ableton high on crack,
Now I come to thee to expense my track.

JAY Z
Dost thou confuse my number with Fifty’s?
I have not sold crack ere a decade more.

[JAY Z HANGS UP]

[GRIMES CALLS AGAIN; JAY Z PICKS UP]

GRIMES
I neither summon crack, nor issue splits
But come pled on part of mine latest hit.

JAY Z
Ugh. Can’t this wait till I’m back in L.A.?

GRIMES
Truly, no. I’ve got an advance to pay.

JAY Z
Whose? I have dispensed thine budget, and some.

GRIMES
A sum, but save largesse befitting thee.

JAY Z
And at what target is my largesse aimed?

GRIMES
At hired lips. Azealia is her name.

JAY Z
Azealia Banks? —

GRIMES
— Indeed, we talked today.

JAY Z
Well then, thank you for informing me Claire.
How long t’would take to get you in the air?
For I have words that phones do not allow.
Book a flight tomorrow, to New York, now.

[JAY Z HANGS UP]

GRIMES (aside)
I do not understand? How have I erred?
T’would seem our Jay’s as fickle as a bird,
For did he not, just last week, recommend
That I ought for a rapper’s guest verse send?
“Your first album was made for preteen girls,”
Said Jay. “But that’s been a few years, so hey,
Perhaps you ought to ride the hip-hop wave?”
Give a bit of edge to your songs,” he bade.
But asked if he’d do it himself, declined,
Citing busyness, and bid me to find
A modern voice, a triplet-rapping Joyce
Now, finding her, takes issue with my choice?
Balderdash. Who doth this man think he is?
Is it cost? Jay’s the richest in the biz.
He’d hardly miss a paltry half-gold’s bar
Much gold is found in cushions of his car.
Well, on this matter I’ll no longer dwell
I’ll see Jay tomorrow and try to quell
Any keyboard shift-key muttered fury
And find how t’abate away his worry.

[GRIMES EXITS]

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Joe Bagel

Written by

Joe Bagel

Semi-literate writer.

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