Trapped in Elon’s Mansion Part 5: a cybercomedy in Shakespearean verse
Last year, Elon Musk and I got into a fight on Twitter. And this? This is my revenge.
[ENTER JAY Z AND GRIMES, ON THE PHONE]
Pray, what rogue is calling at this hour?
Oh ’tis Claire, and she’s at Elon’s tower.
Hi Jay, or rather my good Master Zed,
I have not perchance caught him in his bed?
Indeed, I lie by my beloved… Bey
What bothers thee that could not wait till day?
Forgive me Master Zed, thine theft of zees,
My head’s been cleft like t’were a mound of cheese
I’ve spent days in Ableton high on crack,
Now I come to thee to expense my track.
Dost thou confuse my number with Fifty’s?
I have not sold crack ere a decade more.
[JAY Z HANGS UP]
[GRIMES CALLS AGAIN; JAY Z PICKS UP]
I neither summon crack, nor issue splits
But come pled on part of mine latest hit.
Ugh. Can’t this wait till I’m back in L.A.?
Truly, no. I’ve got an advance to pay.
Whose? I have dispensed thine budget, and some.
A sum, but save largesse befitting thee.
And at what target is my largesse aimed?
At hired lips. Azealia is her name.
Azealia Banks? —
— Indeed, we talked today.
Well then, thank you for informing me Claire.
How long t’would take to get you in the air?
For I have words that phones do not allow.
Book a flight tomorrow, to New York, now.
[JAY Z HANGS UP]
I do not understand? How have I erred?
T’would seem our Jay’s as fickle as a bird,
For did he not, just last week, recommend
That I ought for a rapper’s guest verse send?
“Your first album was made for preteen girls,”
Said Jay. “But that’s been a few years, so hey,
Perhaps you ought to ride the hip-hop wave?”
Give a bit of edge to your songs,” he bade.
But asked if he’d do it himself, declined,
Citing busyness, and bid me to find
A modern voice, a triplet-rapping Joyce
Now, finding her, takes issue with my choice?
Balderdash. Who doth this man think he is?
Is it cost? Jay’s the richest in the biz.
He’d hardly miss a paltry half-gold’s bar
Much gold is found in cushions of his car.
Well, on this matter I’ll no longer dwell
I’ll see Jay tomorrow and try to quell
Any keyboard shift-key muttered fury
And find how t’abate away his worry.