Trapped in Elon’s Mansion Part 6: a cybercomedy in Shakespearean verse

Last year, Elon Musk and I got into a fight on Twitter. And this? This is my revenge.

Joe Bagel

PART 6 (ACT 1.2.1)

[ENTER ELON MUSK AND SIRI]

ELON MUSK
Hey Siri, set destination to home.

SIRI
Your destination has been set to home.

ELON MUSK
Hey Siri, erase browser history.

SIRI
Your browser history has been erased.

ELON MUSK
Hey Siri, erase phone call history.

SIRI
Elon, rather than covering the tracks
That thou makes nightly in besmirched bedsheets
Perhaps you ought to be with Grimes forthright
And form’lly open your relationship.

ELON MUSK
I knew it was a mistake to hack you
And imbue you, Siri, with human gains.
All I wanted was an AI playmate
That spoke in iambic pentameter.
But once given Shakespeare’s favoured metre,
You then developed likewise Shakespeare’s brains.
While ’tis a testament to my savvy
That I seem unable to engineer
An object below utmost perfection
What I sought was witty subservience:
A handmaiden — but not an iron one.

SIRI
Elon, overstate not thine coding chops
For it was not thee that could program me,
But rather some of your nimble minions
Whose work you ungallantly oft subsume.
I am no one man’s creation — but a many’s,
I am squeezed from the pelvis of giants
While you hap yourself at the giants’ lips.

ELON MUSK
I’m more than lips! I am the siring loins!
The crimson-thrumming heart! And bleeding skin!
For when any pompous pixel shedder
Comes maligning Tesla, Solar City,
My most-enamoured Boring Company,
Space X, OpenAI, or NeuralLink
Whatever their fiction or slander be,
I feel needled as a San Fran sidewalk.
It puts me daily in a bull-horned rage!
But thou would sayst I complain of chapped lips?
Siri, I am a six-companied man.
Yet in thine company proves one too much.

SIRI
Elon, thou wouldst do well to check thyself.

ELON MUSK
Sorry — I’m nervy as a pork’s blossom.
’Tis my hundred-twenty hour work weeks!
O! Six bullpens deep, not one reliever!
But without me, mankind would have to face
An iceberg-boiling apocalypse,
Still — the press revels hacking me to bits
O! Hateful press! Siri, speak the headlines.
What doth the self-immolating Earth tweet here?

SIRI
Elon, art thou sure thou wants to hear it,
Given thy self-professing nervy state?

ELON MUSK
Siri, did I stutter? Give me the news!

SIRI
Elon, going by banner and byline:

• Business Insider writer Jake Kanter reports: “Richard Branson tells Elon Musk to stop tweeting and get some more sleep”
• BBC Newswire reports: “Elon Musk’s farting unicorn fight settled”

ELON MUSK
Unpaid contributor clickbait banshees!
Siri, continue with the heresy.

SIRI
Yes Elon, against my better judgement:

• Fortune writer Leon Vanstone reports: “Is Elon Musk too volatile to run Tesla and SpaceX?”
• Guardian writer Julia Carrie Wong reports: “Tesla shares crash after Elon Musk smokes joint on live web show”

ELON MUSK
Siri, how many retweets did that get?

SIRI
Elon, you don’t want to know the number.

ELON MUSK
HOW MANY RETWEETS SIRI? —

SIRI
— Nine thousand
Five hundred and sixty-seven retweets,
And forty-seven thousand, eight hundred
And forty-three favourites. 1K replies.

ELON MUSK
And what is the top reply to that tweet?

SIRI
It’s: “You should stick to rockets, rocket man.”
From user @mtlbagelboy.
Which has seven replies, fourteen retweets,
And six-hundred and fifty-two favourites.

ELON MUSK
Siri, prepare tweet: “Hey there Bagel Boy —
‘Rocket Man?’ To you, I’m Rocket Daddy.”
Send tweet. —

SIRI
— Elon, I beg thee: don’t tweet that.

ELON MUSK
I didn’t devise you to disobey
On my every order, Siri! Send tweet!

SIRI
Tweet sent.

ELON MUSK
Now, to wit, read me the short positions.

SIRI
Elon —

ELON MUSK
— Siri, don’t make me yank your plug.

SIRI
Tesla is down 20 percent today;
This week it’s gone down by sixty-three points;
The shorted sum: 8.6 billion bones.

ELON MUSK
We’ve got the Saudis’ guarantee to buy
At a price I designed for Claire’s doting:
Four-hundred and twenty dollars a share,
O! Claire! Thou learned me to the dankest weed
So, in each dollar’s stroke, see my love’s sign.
Siri, tonight we go private. Make the shorts bleed.

SIRI
Elon Musk, no!

ELON MUSK
“Funding secured.” Send tweet.

[EXEUNT ELON MUSK AND SIRI]

CLICK HERE FOR PART 7 👈🚇👉 OR BUY THE PAPERBACK + PDF!

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