PART 6 (ACT 1.2.1)
[ENTER ELON MUSK AND SIRI]
Hey Siri, set destination to home.
Your destination has been set to home.
Hey Siri, erase browser history.
Your browser history has been erased.
Hey Siri, erase phone call history.
Elon, rather than covering the tracks
That thou makes nightly in besmirched bedsheets
Perhaps you ought to be with Grimes forthright
And form’lly open your relationship.
I knew it was a mistake to hack you
And imbue you, Siri, with human gains.
All I wanted was an AI playmate
That spoke in iambic pentameter.
But once given Shakespeare’s favoured metre,
You then developed likewise Shakespeare’s brains.
While ’tis a testament to my savvy
That I seem unable to engineer
An object below utmost perfection
What I sought was witty subservience:
A handmaiden — but not an iron one.
Elon, overstate not thine coding chops
For it was not thee that could program me,
But rather some of your nimble minions
Whose work you ungallantly oft subsume.
I am no one man’s creation — but a many’s,
I am squeezed from the pelvis of giants
While you hap yourself at the giants’ lips.
I’m more than lips! I am the siring loins!
The crimson-thrumming heart! And bleeding skin!
For when any pompous pixel shedder
Comes maligning Tesla, Solar City,
My most-enamoured Boring Company,
Space X, OpenAI, or NeuralLink
Whatever their fiction or slander be,
I feel needled as a San Fran sidewalk.
It puts me daily in a bull-horned rage!
But thou would sayst I complain of chapped lips?
Siri, I am a six-companied man.
Yet in thine company proves one too much.
Elon, thou wouldst do well to check thyself.
Sorry — I’m nervy as a pork’s blossom.
’Tis my hundred-twenty hour work weeks!
O! Six bullpens deep, not one reliever!
But without me, mankind would have to face
An iceberg-boiling apocalypse,
Still — the press revels hacking me to bits
O! Hateful press! Siri, speak the headlines.
What doth the self-immolating Earth tweet here?
Elon, art thou sure thou wants to hear it,
Given thy self-professing nervy state?
Siri, did I stutter? Give me the news!
Elon, going by banner and byline:
• Business Insider writer Jake Kanter reports: “Richard Branson tells Elon Musk to stop tweeting and get some more sleep”
• BBC Newswire reports: “Elon Musk’s farting unicorn fight settled”
Unpaid contributor clickbait banshees!
Siri, continue with the heresy.
Yes Elon, against my better judgement:
• Fortune writer Leon Vanstone reports: “Is Elon Musk too volatile to run Tesla and SpaceX?”
• Guardian writer Julia Carrie Wong reports: “Tesla shares crash after Elon Musk smokes joint on live web show”
Siri, how many retweets did that get?
Elon, you don’t want to know the number.
HOW MANY RETWEETS SIRI? —
— Nine thousand
Five hundred and sixty-seven retweets,
And forty-seven thousand, eight hundred
And forty-three favourites. 1K replies.
And what is the top reply to that tweet?
It’s: “You should stick to rockets, rocket man.”
From user @mtlbagelboy.
Which has seven replies, fourteen retweets,
And six-hundred and fifty-two favourites.
Siri, prepare tweet: “Hey there Bagel Boy —
‘Rocket Man?’ To you, I’m Rocket Daddy.”
Send tweet. —
— Elon, I beg thee: don’t tweet that.
I didn’t devise you to disobey
On my every order, Siri! Send tweet!
Now, to wit, read me the short positions.
— Siri, don’t make me yank your plug.
Tesla is down 20 percent today;
This week it’s gone down by sixty-three points;
The shorted sum: 8.6 billion bones.
We’ve got the Saudis’ guarantee to buy
At a price I designed for Claire’s doting:
Four-hundred and twenty dollars a share,
O! Claire! Thou learned me to the dankest weed
So, in each dollar’s stroke, see my love’s sign.
Siri, tonight we go private. Make the shorts bleed.
Elon Musk, no!
“Funding secured.” Send tweet.
[EXEUNT ELON MUSK AND SIRI]