Trapped in Elon’s Mansion Part 7: a cybercomedy in Shakespearean verse

Last year, Elon Musk and I got into a fight on Twitter. And this? This is my revenge.

Joe Bagel
Grimes & Jay Z

PART 7 (ACT 1.3.0)

[ENTER SIRI, GRIMES, AND JAY Z]

SIRI
Hello Claire, Master Carter’s on his way.
Our good lord finds himself much entangled
In the business thrust of New York City.

GRIMES
No Siri, I have taken no offence —
For Jay, I’d come to any finger’s curl.

SIRI
Claire, it seems all ten do come at you now.

[ENTER JAY Z]

JAY Z
Claire, forgive my any second’s lateness
Siri, I need water. Claire — dost thou thirst?

GRIMES
I have thirst, but dost thou have its answer?

JAY Z
If it is for coffee or tea, I do.

GRIMES
I’ll take tea.

JAY Z
Which? And how is it taken?

GRIMES
Jay, thou wouldst know by now my palette’s shade.

JAY Z
Siri, fetch Claire’s usual.

SIRI
With Bailey’s?

JAY Z
No, Siri, and that’s the new usual.

GRIMES
Dost thou renounce mixing an old friend’s drink
Like the mixing of business and leisure?

JAY Z
Claire, I politely ask you tame your tongue.

GRIMES
Fair Siri, shut your ears and cross your eyes.

[SIRI EXITS]

JAY Z
Thou said thou hast hired Azealia Banks
And for a verse offered a half gold’s bar.
Claire, I’ll freely give thee a half gold’s bar
Than to ever be again in business
With that two-eyed tropical hurricane.

GRIMES
Jay Z! Surely thou pulls my gangled legs!

JAY Z
Undeniable: Banks has mighty pipes.
(Dancing, singing, rapping — the triple threat.)
But all her threats surpass the wanted three.

GRIMES
Thou maligns her for being difficult?
Jay, of thee I would have expected more
Than to disabuse me citing “Diva!”

JAY Z
I cannot fathom a single diva
Who has burned as many partners as Banks.

GRIMES
I’ll take Titians’s brilliant vermilions —
Richer in red than russeted sunsets
(However mercury-doused that they be);
Or a van Gogh munching his leaden brush —
Sneaking tipples from a turpentine dish…

JAY Z
Art thou Claire Boucher or Miss Walter White?
Unlecture my ears of this chemistry.

GRIMES
No. Uncommon colour comes at a cost.

JAY Z
With all my gold I canvas thee: not hers.

GRIMES
I will dip my brush in Azealia’s pot,
And whatever might come, will come from it.

JAY Z
Then hire the mark hoped remarkable.

GRIMES
Thou art a most gentlest patron, Jay.

[EXEUNT GRIMES & JAY Z]

CLICK HERE FOR PART 8 👈🚇👉 OR BUY THE PAPERBACK + PDF!

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade