Being told “you look tired” as an autistic person.

“You look tired.”

The last time I FaceTimed my mom she told me that. She’s been saying it my whole life. It hurts every time. I don’t think she means it hurtful. I don’t know how she means it.

I am tired. I’m aging. I’ve been through a lot. I just found out I’m autistic at age 37 and my identity has shifted. It feels uncomfortable. I’ve masked a lot. I’m still masking.

I used spirituality as a way to mask. I remember telling my previous meditation teacher: “I feel like something in me is being repressed, suppressed. I don’t know what it is.” She tried to help me explore this but a lot of times spiritual teachings will just tell you to “drop into silence”, “stop identifying with feelings”, “watch thoughts come and go”. So I did. And that’s why I now think certain types of spiritual practices can strangle what the self needs from us, how it needs us to show up. So many people bypass themselves this way. I see what I was suppressing now.

I’m tired of feeling ashamed. I’m wearing years of events that have taken me past my edges and beyond what I felt mentally capable of. My body can look however she wants. I think she’s doing a good job.

“You look tired” might mean I’m worried about you, worried you’re not ok, worried I’m not ok, worried I did…