Life currently
So in exactly a week I will have everything I owned packed-up and tetrised into a 26' moving truck.
I have a plethora of emotions, concerns, paranoid anxious thoughts and a million other things that are constantly racing through my mind. I have lived here, in the desert for all of my thirty-three and a half years. I have lived in the same county even. It never occured to me that I would move away, especially now. It started off as an idea casually tossed out over margaritas and some really gringo tacos. My husband’s best friend was in town-ish for work and we drove two hours for dinner with him. Phil causally tossed the idea out to my husband Jeff, Jeff is currently separating from active duty military.
So the idea simmered, it was mulled over, hashed-out and somehow it seemed like the right idea. SO now in a week I leave my friends, my family, my beloved desert and I move to Utah.
Today I took my mom to chemo for the last time ( not her last chemo treatment but the last time I will take her.) And everything came bubbling to the surface, so much guilt; I said I wouldn’t move away if my mom still had cancer, she does and I am. I feel like such an unbearably selfish asshole. Besides leaving my mom, I am leaving my step-daughter, she is the love of my life and I make sure both she and my husband know it.
People do this all of the time, make changes, take risks, and they cope. Apparently my anxiety will not let me cope, everyday has been a break down this week, everyday has been a two-Xanax-kind-of-anxiety-day ( not total but at a time.)
There were other hurts this week, I lost a good friend, the life partner of my best-friend and we had the service(s) this past weekend. It was so very sudden.
