Perfectionism and Depression: A Vicious Cycle
In keeping with this month’s theme over at the Bank of Erin: Perfectionism
My perfectionist tendencies have been the focus of many a therapy session, journal entry, and wine-soaked conversation with girlfriends or my sister or my mom. It’s no mystery to me that my perfectionism is inextricably linked to my depression.
In fact, even I wasn’t sure, Googling “depression and perfectionism” turns up countless articles (which I’ve listed at the end) citing studies correlating perfectionism with depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, eating disorders, and suicide.
The thing is, it’s not a one-way street, of perfection causing depression. For me, anyway, when I’m in these depressed states, the perfectionist voices in my head scream even louder. That is, not only does perfectionism contribute to my depression, but my depression also contributes to my perfectionism.
Perfectionism → Depression
There are a few different kinds of perfectionism (1), and I certainly have a mix of all three (I’m probably weighted towards the third type):
(1) Self-oriented perfectionism: I have unrealistic expectations due to my irrational desire to be perfect, and I am excessively critical of myself when I don’t live up to these expectations. My writing must be perfect, or the project I’m doing for work must be polished before asking for feedback. I follow rules.
(2) Other-oriented perfectionism: I expect others to be perfect, and am excessively critical when they are not. This is flaring up a lot right now, with opinions about how people are/are not socially distancing and following shelter-in-place guidelines. But it normally flares up in traffic or whenever I see someone not following a written or unwritten rule.
(3) Socially prescribed perfectionism: In order to attain approval from others and to avoid being judged, I must display perfectionism. I assume “they” are watching me and judging me, doubting my intentions, which means I feel quite defensive all the time, like I’ll be asked to explain myself.
It’s not hard to see why this mindset could cause anxiety and depression. These ideations are a recipe for disaster, because they’re doomed to failure. There is no such thing as perfect (for myself or anyone), and defining success as “being perfect” means I’ll never get there. In fact, why even start something, because it won’t be perfect, and therefore can’t be successful.
Although many perfectionists — those with depression and anxiety and those without — focus on the things they’re doing or saying as needing to be perfect, what in fact is going on is a desire for the self to be perfect.
But those things are a distraction. According to one source (3), “Perfectionism isn’t about perfecting things: your job, a specific project, the way you look, or a relationship. At a fundamental level, it’s about perfecting the self, and this urge doesn’t come from a healthy place.”
Talk about an impossible task: not only am I trying to do a thing perfectly, I’m doing it perfectly as a proxy to make myself perfect.
Perfectionism makes it hard to self-soothe and tell myself that “good enough is good enough.” Much of my perfectionism comes with a loud and mean inner critic that harshly judges me.
It also judges me when I judge myself. Yes, perfectionism means I berate myself for berating myself. This cycle is what can spiral into depression: I’m constantly training my brain that I’m not good enough.
“Because once you accomplish something, you have this sense of now that’s my “I have to top that.” And then the next one is I have to top that and I have to top that. The pressure is incredible. We know on a gut level and they know on a gut level if it’s them or you know what, if it’s you that something is amiss. And when you go back to your childhood and you think, how could I have learned this? … You were the star of your family where your mother or your dad or both said, “Gosh, you’re so talented. We don’t have to worry about you. You are great. You’re so successful.” And so you took it on like, oh, this is the way I get attention. I have to be this in order to be loved.” (4)
I took this segment of the entire quote by Dr. Margaret Rutherford because I learned perfectionism not by messing up and getting yelled at, or having to take care of a broken family (although there were bits in there, of not wanting to be the one to rock the boat). No, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been praised for being responsible, independent, smart, capable. So, child-me internalized that as needing to be those things in order to be loved.
Put the other way, if I’m not those things, if I’m not perfect, then I don’t deserve to be loved.
Depression → Perfectionism
But what about the other direction?
I’m not claiming that my depression causes my perfectionism: this isn’t a chicken-and-egg problem. But I do think that, once I’ve experienced depression, even at a minor level, that it exacerbates my perfectionism.
My depression amplifies any critical inner voice, especially the ones that want me to be perfect, or do things perfectly. Depression makes it even harder to ignore whispers of “why even bother if you can’t do it perfectly.” The desire to shut down feeds perfectionism: it makes the gap between who I am, and who I want to be, seem insurmountable.
If perfectionism is seen as “a way of being in the world” (3), then depression makes this way of being in the world seem more appealing. I can buy into the voices telling me that I’m obviously unworthy of being loved if I’m not perfect, and here I am, obviously being imperfect, because I can’t even get out of bed.
If I could only do things perfectly, then I wouldn’t feel this bad.
If I could only get off the couch, and do something to attain my goals, then I wouldn’t feel this bad.
Because I don’t do things perfectly, I deserve to feel this bad.
I feel this bad because I’m not perfect.
Being depressed also can feel isolating and embarrassing. Projecting a picture of perfectionism is a way to hide what I’m really feeling. I can emulate the image of someone who has it all together, by meeting goals or posting highlights on social media. By appearing successful by outward measures of job title, productivity, quantitative accomplishments. Again, focusing on the things as a proxy to prove that my self is perfect.
So, in an effort to hide depression (from others, but also from myself), I try to distract everyone from what’s really going on by proving my success. I must be fine, because I have a good job and wrote a thing and went for a run.
It’s not a fake-it-till-you-make-it attitude, though. It’s a fake-it-by-denying-how-I-feel attitude, which only comes back to bite me in the ass.
Perfectionism ←→ Depression
In the end, it’s a giant loop, with depression and perfectionism driving each other in a way that makes it impossible to separate the two. Perfectionism creates conditions that depression loves, which drives a desire to act perfect to hide the depression, which means I have more perfectionism and ways to get down on myself, which means more depression. And on and on.
So, it appears I’ll be keeping my therapist (and pharmacist) in business, my journal full, and my friends in need of plenty more wine, since this is a lifetime outlook for me. I don’t mean that I won’t get better at breaking that loop, of not believing those perfectionist voices, of self-soothing. But it will always be something that is a component of the way my brain works,. That may not be perfect, but it’s me. And that’s enough.
Resources
- The effects of perfectionism on mental and physical health. (n.d.). Retrieved April 12, 2020, from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323323#How-perfectionism-affects-our-overall-health
- The Perils of Perfectionism — YouTube. (n.d.). Retrieved April 19, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ix6m4vD9KD8&feature=youtu.be
- Here’s The Profound Psychological Shift That Frees People From Perfectionism. (n.d.). Retrieved April 12, 2020, from https://medium.com/thrive-global/heres-the-profound-psychological-shift-that-frees-people-from-perfectionism-290dc09ad73
- Hiding Depression: Using Perfectionism to Hide Our Struggles. (n.d.). Retrieved April 12, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-hiding-depression-using-perfectionism-to-hide-our-struggles/
- Why perfectionists become depressed | Dr Keith Gaynor — YouTube. (n.d.). Retrieved April 19, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpVfwjFX3Tg
- Kinderman, P., Schwannauer, M., Pontin, E., & Tai, S. (2013). Psychological Processes Mediate the Impact of Familial Risk, Social Circumstances and Life Events on Mental Health. PLoS ONE, 8 https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0076564
- Perfectionism and Depression: Vulnerabilities Nurses Need to Understand. (n.d.). Retrieved April 12, 2020, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3169326/
- How Perfectionism Leads to Depression and Anxiety | Psychreg. (n.d.). Retrieved April 12, 2020, from https://www.psychreg.org/perfectionism-leads-to-depression-and-anxiety/
- The Vicious Triangle of Perfectionism, Anxiety & Depression | Psychology Today. (n.d.). Retrieved April 12, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/crazy-life/201201/the-vicious-triangle-perfectionism-anxiety-depression
- Why Being a Perfectionist Can Make You Depressed — Depression Center — Everyday Health. (n.d.). Retrieved April 12, 2020, from https://www.everydayhealth.com/depression/being-a-perfectionist-can-make-you-depressed.aspx
