Mental cleanliness please!
“I forgive you, I release you and I move on.”
That is the daily survival Mantra I have been using for more than a year to get through the acceptance of his abscense. Sometimes it works, sometimes it just… Well, somehow helps.
It is true when people says “Time heals everything” and it really does… but what people don´t say is that even when time heals, it does not erase the memories.
I mean, it is good to once in a while go back to those memories and learn from them, but I have to admit even tho I don´t find them painful anymore, it is hard… It is hard to know the man I once loved its out there, somewhere in the world, making plans(without me), living life, laughing hard, playing soccer, moving on…
And that is awesome, I am truly (seriously) happy for him, I am really happy for him, I am really happy for him.
But then why? Why when I saw a picture of him ramdonly today a bunch of tears started falling down my cheeks?
I saw his face, evoking on me the sense of familiarity, the sense of “ Oh yeah, that´s home”.
He is not home anymore, he is not home anymore, he is NOT HOME ANY FUCKING MORE!
He damaged me, he broke me, he put me deep deep deep down so many times, he destroyed me, he used me,and abused me, he juggled with my feelings so bad, so bad, so BAD…he was my WORST demon, the worst demon in the most beautiful human form…And I loved that demon, I still do.
My mind knows what my heart don´t want to understand and even when my heart also knows he is just a 30 out of 100 in what I deserve…I am feeling the need to get in touch with him, but why should I? there is no case anymore… I, I just won´t do it.
I don´t want to start the cycle over again, opening the communication funnel just to start noticing how he gets better and better without me, and even tho I am better without him too, IDK why it still hurts.
Not in a invasibe way where I cannot sleep, eat, breathe or live as in the first months. Actually I am better than ever, I feel happy, I feel joyful, I have learned how to love myself, I now know me and I find out how blessed and loved I am! Plus, I finally found my Darmah in life, I feel amazing!
But there are these small periods of time during the day when he crosses my mind, and for few seconds I remember how much I miss him! Not as a lover, I just miss him, not as a friend, I just miss him, not as a company, I just miss him… As a human being.
Well, I guess I just need to keep saying this beautiful Mantra during those small seconds the thought of him crosses my mind “I forgive you, I release you I move on.”