Huntsmen

Three nights ago Elly and I got rid of a Huntsmen. She wanted to kill it and Iwanted to set it free. It was looming over our couch, bent on revenge after I’d lain waste to several thousand budding offspring with a can of mortein. My humanity arose out of the last huntsman incident — where I killed a large one with another can of mortein — I mean literally..a can of mortein. The spider didn’t die of mortein poisoning — it drowned in the stuff, staggering around the toilet for hours in anguish and pain — spider guantanamo. The image stayed with me. So I pledged to be more humane. We captured this one in tupperware. Elly carefully slid some paper beneath it which we taped to the container. In this way we could capture the beast without risking a run up the arm or a frolic in El’s curls. It took ages. We were careful.. channelling the united nations, oxfam…the save the children fund. Once captured I walked prisoner X out onto the back lawn, gave a quick spiel on the conditions of release. I came back inside a better man, all puffed up with goodness and righteousness. My wife beamed, I beamed .. the gods were shining on Bullengarook..Last night the huntsmen returned..same spider.. identical position looming over the couch contemplating the 7 oclock news..which wasn’t good.. I wacked it with my thong.

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