I am. not the body
the other day a funny thing happened. i had an a·ha! moment. you know when you get it! you finally know out of pure experience.well, there i was lying on the couch @siesta time and clunk! my iPhone fell to the floor. the following day a similiar thing happened. this one ended with a clunkier sound. i swore the screen must have cracked. i picked it up. nothing. it was just fine. the third time this happened i realised! my iPhone is just like the body. i feel so attached to it, so dependent on it. and by body i mean the whole body: body-mind-soul. why am i so hooked to it, obsessed by it? this isn’t about being afraid to die, but more like losing myself, it all ending, me saying to myself, what a pity i’m going to die one day, inevitably and miss out on the future — all the technological and spiritual evolution.
there is a prequel this moment and it’s this:
one sunday i was out with my friend, maria, and her mom. they were car shopping i was window shopping. at some point i fled the ac into the early summer sun, not yet overwhelming. i sat on a bench doing nothing or perhaps doing like plants do — eat sunlight. when i had enough i got up and went back into the pavillion. after passing several stands, chatting to people i walked back out into the sunlight again to sit on a bench. i decided to text my friend to see if she had made a deal yet. my hand searched inside my bag as hands do so intelligently, without the help of the eyes. nothing.
“señorita,” a woman called to me from somewhere. “you dropped your notebook, she said referring to my mini moleskin. i thanked her and went back to a more important search. and then it hit me:
the sinking feeling, something imploding somewhere inside me (not sure exactly where, but you know the feeling). similar to the stomach falling or the heart leap. oMg i had lost my iPhone! how was i going to find my friend? i didn’t know her number by heart? how would i call home for help? i was going to have to change all the passwords on my accounts, use that search for my iPhone app, ugg!…, scary thoughts kept rushing in as if they were late for some mega important event. then panic: my data! who is accessing it as i’m freaking out? my emails, my facebook…, right now.
at some point the somewhat sobering thoughts of the no problem person stepped in, “no problem, i’ll just wipe my phone and get a new one.” i could afford it. but somewhere another, of the person who believes in impossibles said, “ hell, no!” got me off the bench and walking barefoot, heels in hand and off to find my iPhone. would it be still sitting on the bench where i had been 45 minutes earlier? the thought of it not being there was almost to heavy to carry so i dumped it for a lighter, happier one.
as i walked back to point 0, fighting the urge to run, i began to imagine actually finding it. i wanted my iPhone to be sitting there on the bench waiting for me. maybe i could be that lucky. closer, my heart racing, i realised there was an object sitting on the bench. my heart leaped. 2 words raced out my mouth back-to-back, “thank you! thank you.” there it was, sitting in the sun. i grabbed it. it was on fire and i immediately dropped it into my bag and sat there. awemazed. speechless. smiling.
even though i was elated to find my iPhone i realised it was just an object, a mere receiving-transmitting-storage device, albeit a beautiful, harmonious one. but the most important stuff — my information was on the cloud, on my mac at home and on backup discs and accessible without the need for this device. had i lost it, i really would not have lost anything. without the connection to the mother/cloud device my iPhone is just a shell, a capsule, the body without “the breath of life”.
just as i am not my iPhone, i am not the body. no need to become attached to it. yes it is very useful for this life, but i can lose it. i will lose the body some day. but what can never be lost, what will never die that’s who i am. the core. the heart. this “i” i tend to call myself — my iPhone self exists, is useful, is what it is only because it’s connected to it’s life source, itSelf, the core…
what a relief!