Just say no

I recently had a call from a friend. It was pleasant. We exchanged news about each other. Then the conversation turned to her asking me for a face to face meeting. I was politely saying no, when she shared a story with me about a cousin that she intended to spend time with and did not, and later found out had passed away. The story was moving, indeed, however not enough for me to make time for her. The reality of the matter is that I had several prior commitments that I chose to have, and she was not at the top of my list of things to do.

The conversation stayed with me, though. Was I avoiding her? No. Had I the time, I would have spent with her. The reality is that most meetings with her leave me unchanged. What do I mean by that? There are people whose company revives me. There are others whose company I find taxing. The rest are neutral. She happens to be one of the neutral people. I understand that being social is part of life, and I go out o my way to participate in social events. However one on one meets with neutral people is just a time suck. Shocking, right?

I don’t consider my self to be important from anyone else’s perspective, but I do remain the most important person in my life. The older I get, the more purposeful I find myself living. I may not be changing the world, but my time is important to me and I have only so much of it. So, I choose to spend it on my pursuits.

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” ― Warren Buffett

I’ve been asked how I do all the things I do, and I find the question interesting. It is the easiest thing in the world for me to do the things I want to do — as it should be for everyone. The one issue, that I, and I suspect most people face is the ability to say no. The more I say no to the things that are just neutral, the more time I find I have for the things that I want to do. It was not something that came to me easy or overnight. It took a lot of time to get to this point. I still dwell on the things I say no to, but I’ve come up with a cheat sheet that seems to work for me.

Here’s the list of questions I ask myself:

1- Am I doing it to look good?

If I am only saying yes for appearances, then it really should be a “no”. How good of a friend is this person? Is their friendship conditional on my saying yes? In other words is this a needy relationship and is it worth it? How can we have a “yes” events that benefits us both?

e.g. I had one new acquaintance that was very nice, and yet had the tendency to call and launch into a complaint about everyone and everything mode. This was not adding any value to my day and was really wasting time for me. So, I got into the habit of telling them that I only have a few minutes to speak and can we get to the point. I continue to meet her in social situations, where the conversations tend to be more constructive and less complaints.

2 -Is it a “heck yes” for me?

It is an invitation to my favorite restaurant / museum /activity? No time wasted if it is something I love and enjoy. Does it align with what I am up to? Again, no brain-er. Anything other than a “heck yes” is time permitting; and the appropriate response is “let me get back to you”. If you forget to, it was not important.

3- Is the “no” coming out of fear?

The final and a tricky one is — am I saying no out of fear? If I find myself avoiding something that actually matters to me, then I need to push to say yes. e.g. I am training for the next outdoor climbing trip and I know I am out of shape. A friend wants to go climbing. It aligns with my goals and is probably good for me. So, fear or not, say yes.

Saying no more often than yes helps me focus on those things that matter to me. All in all, it is a good strategy for personal growth and success. It also give me plenty of time to not only do things I want to, but spend time with people I want to.

“Lost time is never found again” — Benjamin Franklin