The Law of Cinema

Have you ever heard someone criticize a movie or TV-show for being too unrealistic?

“Do they really have to go investigate the noise in the dark?”

“They aren’t any talking crime-solving dogs with addiction problems”

“It’s a textbook case of self-defence, why don’t the fabulous women of Monterrey just tell the police?”

“A teenage girl with superpowers is basically a hormonal nuclear weapon that gets nosebleeds” etc.

It’s a really strange critique for a couple of reasons.

For one, if you look at any piece of fiction hard enough, it starts to show cracks. For example:

a. Sleeping Beauty is clearly a sobering tale of sexual assault.

b. Belle in Beauty and the Beast definitely had Stockholm syndrome.

c. The Prince in Cinderella clearly has a foot fetish and so on.

Two, the whole purpose of a movie or a TV-show is escapism. So, while they may be set in the real world, they are not bound by the rules that govern the real world. They are bound by the “Law of Cinema.”

What are these laws? They are literally the sixteen laws that govern the world of TV and Movies which the “Powers that be” hid from the public because they believe that “You can’t handle the truth!” I disagree. (Why “sixteen” laws? Because of the Illuminati maybe?)

Therefore, it is my pleasure to announce that “I am going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.” I have done my ten thousand hours of research and have decided to publish the Law so “Say Hello to my little friend!”

1. Be Inspired!

According to the Law, there is nothing, literally nothing a well-timed inspirational speech can’t fix. (Re: Braveheart, The Shawshank Redemption, Rocky, Remember the Titans etc.)

2. The Peter Parker

Characters must be defined by their tragic backstory. One singular life-changing event e.g. a death, an abandonment, a rape etc. will define every aspect of a character’s personality, decisions and life. It must be stressed that they will never ever get past it! They may however decide to wear strange outfits and fight crime as a result or engage in moving therapy sessions on screen. (Re: Every Superhero origin story ever)

3. The Deliberate Misunderstanding

In the event of a situation caused by a simple miscommunication (e.g. Girl sees Love interest talking to a more attractive girl) characters are forbidden by law to resolve the confusion by a simple conversation but rather must escalate the situation for dramatic and/or comedic effect (e.g. in retaliation distraught girl must have sex with a random guy to get back at love interest for having a conversation.) (Re Euphoria)

4. The Attractiveness Paradigm/The No Uglies allowed rule

a. Everyone is attractive. Like seriously attractive. Even the characters that are supposed to be “unattractive” are played by attractive people(Re: Charlize Theron in Monster). Also, they must have really nice apartments despite being unemployed/ having average jobs (Re The Apartment in Friends)

b. Exceptionally beautiful girls must be single, adorably quirky and just waiting for the regular-ass guy who “sees” them not just their perfect bodies. (Re: Any Rom-com ever made)

c. Super attractive wealthy guys are kind, sensitive souls looking for love not conceited fuckboys. (Re: Crazy Rich Asians)

5. The Law Enforcement dilemma

a. A character can either be a cynical, cocaine-snorting, drunk, bribe-accepting, “disillusioned with the system”, corrupt cop (Re: Training Day Denzel) or can be annoyingly self-righteous (Re: Olivia Benson in Law and Order SVU). What is constant is that the “system” in place must be corrupt.

b. The police must be borderline incompetent or have terrible aim. This is not their fault because if they were to hit the guy the show/movie would end rather quickly. And on the rare occasion a character will get shot, a character is compelled by law to have poetic last words rather than “Oh my god this hurts so much. I don’t want to die. Help me” (Re: Scarface)

c. 80% of Police interrogations on screen must be violent physical assaults. (Re: Hank Voight in Chicago PD)

6. The Chatty Mexican standoff

People pointing guns at each other must as an unspoken rule first have a dramatic conversation about why they are pointing guns at each other before shooting at each other (See every meaningful death in The Wire). They will also often engage in chit-chat or spirited banter during the shoot-out.

7. “The 24” Or “The Diffuse the bomb at 00:01 seconds effect”

Conflicts (especially ones of a life-threatening variety) must be resolved at the last possible minute. (Re: Every action scene in history involving a bomb)

8. Death is Sexy

Grief is an aphrodisiac. According to the Law, when your father gets shot by a serial killer (Re: Riverdale) or your boyfriend is crippled (Re: Friday Night Lights), a character must get really horny.

9. Yeah!! Sports!!!!!

Somehow there’s a “Good team” and a “Bad team” and the “Good team” always wins in the end because they deserve it more? Also winning at sports matters more than anything else in the whole world but the victory must be due to an impromptu inspirational speech rather than actual preparation and tactics. (Re: Every time Coach Taylor said “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t lose” in Friday Night Lights. See also Every Sports movie ever)

10. The Love Cycle

a. Affection is more often than not reciprocated and in the event of the occurrence of unrequited love, there’s must always be a “you’ve always been right here in front of me” contingency. (Re: New Girl. See also every romantic comedy ever made)

b. A character should often kiss his/her love interest unprompted and very dramatically, displaying no fear of an accusation of sexual assault. (Re: The Office. See also every romantic comedy ever made)

c. Characters in love must have good/great sex which must last for approximately 6–8 hours to celebrate their love. (Re: The Epic Car Sex in the Titanic)

d. Grand romantic declarations of love will ALWAYS end well, with a passionate kiss, preferably under the rain and/or in the airport. Also, airport security (a sassy black woman/gay man) will often break protocol to help declarations of love while people at the airport must applaud.

e. Unattractive/very annoying men get laid. A lot. With women clearly out of their league. This is commonly known as the “Have you met Ted effect” (Re Every Seth Rogen Movie ever made. See also How I met your mother)

11. The Romantic Infidelity

It’s alright to cheat. As long as the character falls passionately in love with the person who he/she cheats with. It is especially appropriate if your current partner is mean or takes you for granted. Under the Law, the proper move is not to end the bad relationship but to cheat during, then end it (in that specific order). The Audience will approve.

Also in the event of infidelity, cheat with a person whose betrayal would inflict maximum emotional damage (e.g. a sister, a best friend) and there must be a tearful and dramatic confession. (Re Every Telenovela ever made)

12. The Good guy or “The Jon Snow”

There may be a character who is a REALLY good guy that does no wrong. Ever. This character must prove his goodness repeatedly by being faced with more moral dilemmas than any man that has ever lived and literally always doing the right thing.

He/she may also have a Messiah complex and will without much prompting sacrifice himself for the greater good. This character is often very uninteresting. (Re: Forrest Gump in Forrest Gump)

13. The Bad guy

There are three personality types for a bad character

a. “The Walter White” i.e. the complex lovable anti-hero who is “normally just like you” but has been forced into villainy by exceptional Lord of the Flies-like circumstances. This character will commits atrocities but it’s okay because the audience “gets it”.

b. “The Joffrey” i.e. this is a character is fundamentally bad and irredeemable. He will commit atrocities for no rational reason or benefit but because they are sociopaths?

c. “The Naruto effect” i.e. the Character who has lost their way and can have his entire world view changed by a single conversation with someone who sees the good in them. (Re: Every Anime in existence till the end of time)

Also, a bad character will often engage in dramatic monologues explaining his diabolical plan for the audience. (Commonly known as The Villain’s speech)

14. The Dr Gregory House Effect

Extreme intelligence = Extreme unpleasantness (“because god-damn-it he’s too brilliant to be polite!!”). It must also lead to a substance abuse problem (Re: The Mentalist)

15. The Father Spectrum

A father may either be so amazing it’s frankly unbelievable (Re: Jack Pearson or Ned Stark) or irredeemably terrible (Re: Peter Griffin). Regardless every character must have daddy issues. (Re: This is Us)

16. The High-school Bully/Jock and Bitch/Slut

The High-school Bully/Jock and Bitch/Slut character might do consistently mean and cruel things but they are not what they seem. They are just misunderstood, lonely, poetry-loving, sensitive souls and their father is an abusive alcoholic. (Note also, all Alcoholics are always battling inner demons; they don’t simply like to drink)

The Law stipulates that an average or smart girl/guy must fall in love with the bully/bitch, help him with his demons and generally “be his peace” (Re Every High School movie ever made)

May the force be with you.