Down to the Wire
Job seeking for 1.5 year appx. I’m literally a black woman, trying to jump that fence of financial independence, stability. But it’s hard. It’s slicing me up.
And I thought it was hard a year ago when I started writing my book, but it’s only gotten harder. As the days turn to weeks, with little response from job prospects; I’ve revamped my resume, I’m only applying withing the fields that I actually want to work in, because if I’m going to work it should still be work worth doing, but there was never a savings fund for this moment.
And there’s little security and little empathy for me in this position. No one wants to understand my plight a little differently, and to the extent that I’m battling all the isms myself, I don’t either.
Still I fight every day to put myself in the right context to make the right decisions. I know this system wasn’t built for me, and yet I’m required to start here, with nothing but a dream and some sparse goals that could make up a larger than life picture of success eventually. The same picture everyone holds up.
Every day I dream of saving the world. I don’t have an algorithm, a coding licence or anything touted as what you need to know today. I’ve taken my time learning Marx and Durkheim. Learning the social systems we’ve bought into that are now defaulting out as irrelevant and misuseful.
Its statistically not cut out for me. And everyone knows that but no one is giving me a leg up because of it. And what I want to do is bigger than most. Maybe that’s where my thinking is wrong, but don’t we all have to be just a little deluded to succeed
Lately I’ve been back in a church that touts end of the world, end days biblical prophecies, so I’m really allowing myself to wonder what the point is. If it’s all going to end anyway. That’s when I’m truly at my lowest as a human which is just sad on so many levels.
I’m also living with my parents again. I know that’s what we’re in my generation are supposed to be embarrassed about but it’s the truth. And living there, in a house that now seems like it wasn’t built for four adults to share the space, I’m getting deep in touch with my fears about success, adulthood and none of it happening on my time.
and no Iron in my water (and no filter on these pages anymore).
Chlorine, or fluoride or pepsodent….
At the Jiffy Lube amphitheater this summer I see J.Cole in concert. $2.50 for a 16 oz bottle of water. It’s never felt so real to me that i’m not in power and that those in power want people to die.
Time is ticking, my dear readers….I’ve mentioned it before?
Health and healing are my new priorities-and I’m only 23, and my body is deteriorating. I’ll never be this healthy again. I want to keep it that way.
Because I want to keep myself healthy enough to outrun zombies and Police, and intelligence agents, but yeah, the last one is a stretch…we hope.
So with all new security threats- all new scarcity threats, all new environmental warnings; will you keep drinking the faucet water? Will you know how to filter?
The news is telling you everything but the truth; all of these ‘disasters’ are man made. And the men who made them just want’s to avoid the work of facing it, fixing it and/or funding it.