Dear Nairobi Vol 2.2: Lamu’s Donkey Problem. We’ve solved it.

Ernest Bazanye
Nov 4 · 3 min read

Dear Nairobi

Guys, I had to write as soon as I heard the news. Pato posted a link on Twitter about the problem of loitering vagrant donkeys in the coastal town of Lamu and I have to warn you: some geopolitical repercussions are about to ensue. Be very ready.

But let me not forget my manners. You know as a Muganda man from this nation I am in, I have to issue a long greeting. How are you? How is the weather? Pass my regards to Weps and tell him we wish him good luck in his efforts to perfect the helmet-wig for stylish boda bodas.

Speaking of boda bodas, we are sorry about that. We know that we started the boda boda menace before it spread to Nairobi and now you guys have to deal with them, too.

Yes, they offer utility when things or people need to be transported but while nothing or no one needs moving, they can’t just stay still and silent by the roadside.

Boda bodas in Kampala are not that highly advanced from Lamu donkeys wandering the streets, eating the garbage, bothering the flies and the rats.

But you need worry no more, for your brothers across from the non-disputed side of Migingo Island have the answer for you.

We have sent Ssekamatte over to Lamu. He’ll take care of it.

You remember Ssekamatte, don’t you? He is the guy who sells grilled meat by the road along Kampala International University. The guy whose stall is right opposite the beef stall manned by the dude who calls himself Chomo Kinyatta in a transparent bid to appeal to the Kenyan Student market demographic.

You remember Ssekamatte. The one whose meat rack is always well-stocked but no one has ever seen him visit a butchers’, though there have been reported sightings of him sneaking around suburbs with a bow and arrows at night.

Especially suburbs with a lot of stay dogs and cats.

The residents report this. One night the air is rent with the howling and barking of these dogs, the night after that Ssekamatte is spotted with a hood and facepaint like Arrow in that TV show, and the night after not only is there absolute silence in the suburb, but Ssekamatte has a proud and abundantly-laden grill of fresh sausages, skewers and steak slabs.

I am not going to draw any conclusions because we have all eaten Ssekamatte sausages and loved them. We don’t want those conclusions drawn. Let’s keep our ignorant bliss intact.

Though the stray dog nuisance has drastially shrunk in the year or so Ssekamate Grill has been in operation. Stray dogs are becoming scarce and rare. Almost endangered.

I was having a conversation with him last week, and happened to mention the loitering Lamu donkeys to him. His eyes turned distant and I think I heard him mutter to himself, “Donkey is much bigger than dog. And I can ride them across the border, so won’t need a bus ticket back…”

Ssekamatte and his interns were last seen heading towards Busia. At his stall there is nothing but a sign that says, “Closed for Renovations. We’ll Be Back, Bigger and Better than ever!!!!”

All, I’m saying is, tell Lamu they won’t have to worry about their donkeys for much longer.

Also, expect a caravan of donkeys to pass through, using the same trade route we had before colonization, because, you know, Ssekamatte is a stickler for tradition.

Yours always

E. Bazanye

Son of Bazanye

Muzukulu of Sempebwa

Born of Nagawa

Also known as Elinesiti

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