The Perfect day

How the perfect day ends perfectly

A Perfect Day

When I woke up this morning, I just new this was going to be a perfect day. The sun was already peeking over the mountains and opening my windows, I could smell the crisp coolness of fresh morning air, laced with flowers and scents of a long awaited spring almost here. I inhaled deeply and could not keep the smug grin of my face even if I wanted to. It felt good to be alive and I felt on top of the world. Even as went for my morning shower, I realized that my beautiful wife and charming daughter had decided to stay in bed a bit longer this particular morning and could have the shower all to myself and this time with lovely, scalding hot water. Of course, being denied the luxury of a nice, long hot shower, at this point, was part of my married life. Of course, a man doesn’t always take consequences in consideration when indulging himself in anything. I took a long, leisurely shower and ignored the two females in the house trying their best to break down the door, while still keeping their legs crossed. Even walking past them through the valley of the shadow of death, it still seemed perfect and I even managed a smile while making a pot of coffee. In retrospect I should have realized that this nirvana, this heavenly, king of the hill feeling could not last, but a fool plunders in where angels dare not tread. I was the fool.

I allowed myself to be led outside onto our deck by the promise of early morning sunshine and the sounds of birds chirping, adding to the beauty of everything around me. As I sat down, I reflected that this is probably what a filthy, rich man must feel like. Or someone living on some tropical island (who is filthy rich), doing nothing all day but drink cocktails and watch the sun set. As I said, heavenly. Just as I took my first sip of my deliciously, strong coffee, an oversized rat came into view. I recognized the beast as my daughter’s. She claimed it to be a dog and named it something like sinus . The four-legged tick-dispenser sat himself down in front of me and look at me very expectantly, but not in an asking way. No, the look on the creature’s face was demanding. Feeling very magnimous, I slowly drawled, ‘Yes?’, to which the animal apparently took as some kind of confirmation and proceeded by abruptly jumping on my lap. Why the slobbering little monster would even consider me a friend, I would not know. I usually make a point of avoiding the rodent. I think that when I said yes, Hairball decided that it was not a question, but indeed an answer to all off his questions like, “Will you hold me?” and “Can we be friends?” and “Want to see me chase my tail?”. Anyway, I digress. As soon as the creature jumped on my lap, it caused to spill some of my coffee, hot coffee, onto my nether regions. Which instantly, of course, caused an unbearable, burning you know where. Apparently some of the same hot coffee spilled on the hairy rat, now known as Linus. He in turn started yelping and screeching in a very undogly manner and raced back into house and bedroom which he shared with my daughter. Beauty and the beast indeed.

While still trying to not burn and pulling the scorching pants away from my sizzling flesh, another beast came into view and this one was two legged! Why my house is overrun with creature’s of all sorts, I could not say, but this one seemed to be wearing my wife’s pajamas. I bravely faced the creature, as I could see in its demeanor and body language, that it was about to attack me and forced myself to look the devil in the eye. A great bush of hair was dominant on the top of the head and from bushy eyebrows, two baleful eyes menacingly watched me, waiting for me to make my move. Just as I was about to make a run for it, the creature spoke and I recognized my wife for the first time. I think that after such a glorious morning, my mind was not ready to register evil in its purest form. “What did you do to the poor dog?”, she asked me very loudly. “What dog I replied?”, wondering vaguely where all these beasts come from. The wench spun around theatrically, pajamas flaring around her bare white legs, and stomped off in huff, leaving me with now cold and wet pants.

As I departed my deck of sanctuary and back to the bedroom for a change of pants, I happened to look into my daughters bedroom and there she was cradling the disease-bearer like a baby in her arms and glared at me as if I’m responsible for all misery and pain in the world. I quickly retreated to my bedroom, where, after putting on clean pants, the front button popped off and rolled across the floor. By now I almost started swearing and was determined to get the rebellious button. Gripping the pants with one hand and hopping lopsided towards my nemesis, I lost my grip and my pants dropped to my ankles, causing me to trip and fall flat on my solid wooden floor. Contemplating if it was even worthwhile to get up, I was awakened from my meditation by a shrieking, piercing scream that almost caused the floor to crack. Only then did I realize that my pants took with it my boxer-shorts and I was lying naked and bare from the waist down on the floor. My daughter, the opera singer, apparently was not very impressed, and stated that the memories of my naked bottom would haunt her for the rest of her natural life. Her mother, my wife, just made soothing sounds and nodded sympathetically, telling her that, from experience, it may seem bad, but the mind will automatically block such horrifying images from your brain in due time. What does she mean ‘from experience’?

The females retreated to my offspring’s bedroom and after a while I could hear them giggling and whispering behind closed doors. There is nothing that breaks down a man’s self-esteem like two women laughing and you suspect it’s about you or in this case your bottom, but you’re never sure. It could be something worse even. I humbly tucked my tail between my blistered legs and made my way to the last outpost. The one place where I was king, ruler, judge, jury and executioner. The garage or also called my workshop.

I made a quick summary of the armory. These were the weapons a man uses against the dark forces of woman. First, a calendar with scantily clad bikini models. Any woman walking in here would immediately feel threatened by beautiful young girls doing what they do best: looking beautiful. Secondly, a camouflage jacket used for fishing that still smells like fish. It brings back memories of fishing-weekends with no woman around where men can be men without worrying about cleanliness or walking dirt onto the carpet and so forth. Third, a whole arrange of tools including spanners, drills, saw and a dirty oily rag cloth. Nothing intimidates a woman more than walking into a place and she is surrounded by appliances she not knows the name or use of. The cloth is just the cherry on the cake. Make sure you hold it in your hand whenever a female approaches. The sight of it will send them reeling back in horror.

So I was keeping myself busy doing manly stuff when my spouse and offspring emerged from the house looking all made up and dainty. They duly informed me that they are going shopping to erase the dreadful events of the morning. My wife also added that she’d be taking my credit card with. The little bit of peace and serenity that I achieved quickly evaporated with those words. After waiting five minutes to make sure it’s not a ploy to get me back in the house, so that they could ambush me, I deemed it save to go back inside and regain my territory. I went to the deck again to see if I can regain the same feeling I had that morning, but, naturally, the wind came up and the clouds predicted a thunderstorm. Symbolic of the day so far, I thought by myself. I went back inside and switched on the television, hoping for sports, but nothing. I finally settled on a documentary that claimed that the first vampire was in fact female… I then noticed the rodent on the far side of the couch, looking just as lost and miserable as me. Being a man, you are allowed to show your softer side, especially when no one is around and I took pity on the poor animal, telling him he is allowed to come lie at my feet. Instead he eagerly came towards me and snuggled up under my arm, which was actually raised to smite the little beast for its impudence. Then I saw the grateful look in his eyes, to which my eyes replied: “Okay, only this one time, do you understand?”. The reply I got was him snuggling up closer and so we sat.

Apparently I dosed off, for I remember having nightmares about my wife being a vampire and she gorged herself by sucking all the money out of my credit card. When I awoke out of slumber, my daughter was standing in front of me and she was pleased that I decided to make friends with Linus. She then promptly kissed on my cheek and told me that I am a great dad. I looked at the so-called mans best friend very accusingly. He was supposed to wake up before they could see my sensitive side exposed and I don’t mean my behind. Linus didn’t even look up, as if he knew I was beaten. Still, your daughter telling you that you’re a great dad is not that bad and I silently forgave the mongrel.

Feeling a little smug, I inflated my chest, which means I sucked in my belly, and swaggered into the kitchen, where my life-partner was busy unpacking the result of their retail therapy. My chest “deflated” a bit when I saw the cost of the therapy, but I puckered up when she looked at me with the same beautiful eyes I fell in love so many years ago. When she told me that I looked stressed and that maybe I should go away for a fishing weekend some time, I knew everything was okay. Forgiven and forgotten. Later that night, after my lovely wife cooked me my favorite food and we sat in the living room in front of the fireplace, I reflected that even though the “dog” has suddenly found a new best friend, since we bonded, and was constantly looking for my approval and attention, I was, and still is, blessed. Two women whom I love more than the world, loves for me for me and everything is just fine. Judge a day on how it ends and not on how it begins. Only when my wife suggested that when I go fishing, she could maybe go to spa for that weekend, did I briefly glimpsed, in my mind’s eye, a vampire biting on a stack of credit cards. Only briefly though.

The End