The Strength to be Vulnerable

For most people, when they hear the world “vulnerable”, they associate it with weakness. Understandably so, a lot of people are hesitant to be vulnerable because they don’t want to be seen as weak. But while weakness and vulnerability are two completely different things, we tend to view both as opposite sides of the same coin. Most people think about vulnerability as emotional insecurities but it can also be submitting a job application where you know you have a very high likelihood of rejection. It could be challenging others on their opinions when you disagree with them. It could be gathering the courage to tell people you love them romantically and want to be with them. All these scenarios present a situation in which you could be hurt, for you to have emotional investment in some way. Vulnerability can present itself in countless forms. And while it may sound contradictory, there is a very powerful, subtle strength in embracing vulnerability.

Many people think of someone who is vulnerable as someone who is immobilized by fear and begs for others’ help or acceptance. But this is someone who is weak and needy. Take for instance someone who is very opinionated and outspoken. He meets a lot of people, isn’t afraid to say what’s on his mind, and if people don’t like it, then he accepts it and moves on. Now let’s take someone else who lacks confidence in talking to other people. He adopts an aloof persona because he doesn’t want other people to challenge him or dislike him. People find him alright to be around, but he’s not a very memorable person. In this scenario, our opinionated person is more vulnerable because he opens himself up to the possibility of being controversial to others. Not everyone will agree with his opinions, but he’s okay with that. After all, he accepts that not everyone is going to like him. On the other hand, our other person plays it safe because he is so scared that people will dislike him, but chances are no one is going to particularly like him either. He’s just a fly on the wall, no skin in the game, not vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is scary to a lot of people. A lot of us for whatever reason grew up in an environment where we couldn’t express our emotions freely. Maybe we were bullied, grew up with parents who didn’t know how to be emotionally supportive, or told by society that boys don’t cry and that men need to be strong. We all have our own insecurities, traumas, fears, that we carry with us. For a lot of people, their solution is to avoid it, often times through food, drugs, alcohol, partying, etc. But this is no way to live life. We can’t run from our problems forever. Sooner or later, all our bad habits will come back to bite us.

I’ll give you a personal story. I was incredibly shy growing up. I’m still not the most social person out there, but I’ve gotten better. I think up until third grade, when teachers talked to me, I couldn’t even make eye contact with them. When I talked to people, I’d look at the ground or to the side because it was uncomfortable for me to directly look at people. I couldn’t sit still or pay attention in class, so my grades were terrible. Everything that came easy for other kids in my class was too difficult for me to follow, so I became lazy and gave little effort in class. My teachers would regularly tell my mom about me potentially having ADHD or my issues in class. I’m not sure what changed, maybe I just matured, but around when I was 9, things got better and I did better in school. Thankfully, when I was young I made some friends so I wasn’t alone, but looking back on it, I always felt that I couldn’t compare to my peers. I’m not sure if they didn’t notice or if they didn’t care, but either way I’m grateful they didn’t. High school came, and although I did alright in school, I still felt I was dumb and sucked at everything because my friends were so smart. I studied and applied for all the colleges my friends did not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t want to look like a dumbass and a loser who was doing nothing with his life.

Maybe because of it, I was terrified of people not liking me. I always had a thought in the back of my mind that my friends, or people in general would leave me if they ever found out I was incompetent. I pushed through college through a major I hated, landed a job at a big accounting firm working long hours, job hopped to progress my career, trying to become someone that was successful according to what I had seen growing up.

And after I did all of that, how did I feel? Empty as fuck. I didn’t realize that genuine people don’t like you for what you are, they like you for who you are. I’m willing to bet that most of you don’t like your friends because they’re software engineers, doctors, or lawyers. You don’t like them because they’re tall, short, skinny, buff, white, black, whatever. Chances are, you like them because they’re either fun to be around, supportive, interesting, and great listeners.

So how did being afraid of being disliked manifest in my life? I became someone who was just nice and agreeable to be around. Sometimes I had things I wanted to say, things I wanted to do, but I would just go along with others. I presented a version of myself that others would probably not dislike, but probably not like a whole lot either. I became bland and boring because I cared too much about what others thought of me.

This isn’t to say that you should never care about what people think of you. Human beings are innately wired to crave acceptance and belonging from others. But if you try to get everyone to like you, in the end the only person who won’t like you will be yourself. Let yourself be hated for who you are rather than loved for who you aren’t.

On other end of the spectrum, people who don’t care about others at all become narcissistic and arrogant. They think the issue is never with them, that it is always with other people. They aren’t able to take criticism. That’s no good either. But there’s an easy fix to it. When criticism comes along, do two things. Take a moment to think about who is saying it and why they’re saying it. Think about if what they say has some truth to it, and where it’s coming from.

Almost every person has someone or something they love dearly. It could be platonic or romantic love, or any type of love. Love comes in many shapes and forms. To love is to be human. We can’t control who we love any more than we can control the gravitational spin of the earth. But love and vulnerability are inseparable. Every time we choose to love someone, we consciously or unconsciously guarantee ourselves the chance of heartbreak one day. When parents choose to have kids, people choose someone to be with, they choose to have an attachment to someone. Unfortunately, sometimes that means we have to deal with the death of someone close, a very heart-wrenching breakup, or drifting apart from people over time. When we meet people in our lives, we give them pieces of ourselves and we should give them willingly. And every time we lose them, we have to gather the broken pieces and try and become whole again.

Many people who deal with this type of sadness and heartbreak try and try to avoid it. They become closed off and unwilling to share themselves with others. They tell themselves that they don’t need love in their life, that love is fickle and callous. But time after time, they will succumb to the innate human desire to be loved and accepted, and they will fail time and time again. Love is like investing in a way. Just like you can’t (usually) expect to have high returns with small investment, you can’t expect for anyone to love you back if you’re not willing to share all of yourself with them.

We’ve all heard from a young age that no one is perfect. Yet, as time marches on, society tries its hardest to be through technology and we get closer and closer every year. But humans themselves will always be innately flawed. People who understand that are the most powerful because they don’t let their mistakes and their flaws control them. They simply accept that they won’t ever be perfect and that’s okay. When you take two rough rocks and you rub them against each other, they become smoother over time. People are no different. Accept that there will be setbacks, disappointments, and rejections and find the courage to move on. That’s what it really means to be strong.