25 Unanswerable Questions My Kids Have Asked Me

During the summer between fifth and sixth grade, I realized that women — well, technically girls at that time — existed as a separate, beautiful, and sweet smelling gender.

From that moment until approximately 8 ½ seconds before my first child was born, I swore at every turn that I would never, ever, and two more “ever’s,” have kids.

So imagine my wonderment as I gaze in the rearview mirror each weekday morning around 7:30 am and see two small beings who need no DNA test to prove they were sired by yours truly.

This ride to school is a mini oasis of lucidity for me in an otherwise hectic day when I look upon their faces and silently mouth “Thank God” to myself.

Still.

This short excursion, for them, is a time away from six-hundred and fifty cable channels, laptop computers, and tablets, and their minds do tend to wander. Perhaps they know that they have me cornered, with no place to go, and some basal instinct kicks in. And so begins the questioning.

“Daddy?” asks my oldest. “Why are the mountains higher than the sky?”

They usually catch me off guard with the first question, and I make the mistake of trying to apply logic to the situation.

“Well sweetie,” I say, “you know there is nothing higher than the sky.”

“Except the moon,” chimes in my youngest.

Ah, right. The double team, I think. Always forget about that.

“And the sun and space too,” the oldest says, clearly piling on.

At this point, I reach deep down into the core of my being, pulling out everything I’ve learned from the premium version of my meditation app and prepare to take the ride. It comes with the cadence of a machine gun.

“If you were fighting a replica of yourself, would it be better to fight him or someone else?”

“Can you use solar panels to get electricity from the moon?”

“When they take your blood, and they are done testing it, do they throw it away or do they keep it?”

“They keep it,” I say.

“Why? Can’t they use it for someone else?”

“Well,” and it continues…

“Since a fox chases mice, is it more of a cat or a dog?”

“What does the fox say? What sound does it make?”

“If three strikes in bowling are called a turkey, what are five more strikes with those three called.”

I catch myself thinking, is that a bowling question or a math question?

No matter, the barrage continues without mercy.

“Is it werewolves or vampires that have super powers?”

“What are some that don’t like salt?”

“Can you cook leeches?”

“Who discovered light? You know, the guy with the crazy hair?”

“Thomas Edison? I whimper.

“No.”

“Einstein?” I say with no reasonable hope of success.

“No. The guy with the key. Ben Franklin”

Sure. Ben Franklin.

“What are eyebrows for?”

“Is there a life hack for coffee? And if you didn’t have one of those fancy machines, how would you get coffee?”

“Who do you think would win, Superman or Goku?”

“Who is Goku?”

“He has four ascent ions.”

Of course, he does.

“Which is fast or easier to get, hot or cold?”

“Can you tame a shark?”

“Who would win, a lion or a bear?”

“I vote for a lion,” yells the youngest, saving me from what would probably be an embarrassingly wrong answer on my part.

“What can dirt survive?”

Finally, I reach our destination, the school parking lot. Knowing full well that for the next eight hours a 28-year old teacher — who will hit the eject button the second his novel is finished — will now be the victim of their hyper-inquisitive minds.

Eh, he knew the risks when he took the gig, I rationalize.

But, just as they grab their lunch bags and 64oz water jugs from the backseat, they deliver the coup de grace.

“Daddy, If a vegetarian died, and then came back as a zombie, would they want to eat people’s brains or still only vegetables?”

It’s the same every day. Twenty-five unanswerable questions my children ask me. And only one in return from me.

“How on earth could I live without these two?”


Brian here: I hope you enjoyed this story. If you did, please click the cute little heart (below on the left-hand side) to recommend it and/or why not share it with a friend as well? If you hated it, share it with two friends. And don’t forget to follow me on here on Medium or on Twitter.

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