18.

All the stunts I try to pull amount to a single cry for help

I can’t bring myself to ask outright, so I do it subtly

It’s pretty futile though, because no one notices

So far, no one has done as much as raise an eyebrow at me

I don’t seek attention

I thrive in solitude

But I could sure use some attention now

There are few who care and try to reach out

I shut them out

I don’t mean to. It just happens

Then, when they’re not there anymore

I want them back

I wish them back

I’m by myself and I don’t like it

I long for laughter, for a phone call, a text message

From someone who matters

They’d stop me from sinking even further into this abyss

Of misery that overwhelms me

They’d show me that life is worth living

They’d prove to me that I, too, have a shot at happiness

I am the master of my fate

I am the captain of my soul

But then again, I’m not

I have no hold whatsoever on the reigns

It’s definitely a new feeling

And it’s killing me

Not being in control; being all frazzled and misplaced

The worst part?

That I can’t do anything about it

I can’t have someone slap it out of me

Or drown myself in the ocean so that it departs from me

And I resurface without it

Of course it doesn’t help that I’m all alone

Even if I let them in, they wouldn’t do anything

No point

If there’s no one out there to save me, it’s up to me

But how?

With what strength?

I’m falling apart and the pieces are all over the place

How do I begin to find them and try to put them back together?