32.

As it flows
I let it all out
With the hope of finally being able to let it all go

First, the uncertainty
I surrender
Beaten and bruised, no more fight left in me
As the waves crash, so violently
From every direction
I lay still and wait it out
Maybe the end is near
Please be near

The heartbreak
I let myself feel
Floods of emotions I would have given into
Love. Love lost. Love not reciprocated
Hurt
Hurt from the games, the betrayal
To trust again? To risk being trampled on
And crushed once more?
Or wait for the end?
Too late to hide behind the numbness anymore
Too late to try shut the floodgates
Waiting it out…
Watching it flow-
Letting it all go-

The distance
Call it solitude
But really just a lame attempt at consolation
Always on the outside looking in
Never makes sense the same way
Never feels right
Too much effort trying
Why does it have to be trying?
Why not just be?
Journey stops here
Barely even know what direction to take anyway
Now content with aloof
With walls instead of bridges
I lie calm in my fortress, waiting it out…
Watch it flow-
Let it go-

The charade
Mask is all worn
Day in… day out; Sunrise… sunset
Mask on… Mask off
All this sham and drudgery
It’s a beautiful world, let it in
Mask on…
…mask off
Wait it out…
Flowing-
Releasing-

The dreams
I smile
…it feels foreign
My dreams, my escape
Escapism — to my world

My world
Where the sun shines just bright enough
No reluctance to enjoy the music
No fear that it will come to an end
No darkness, no silence, no idle words
A wide expanse of warmth, an d
Hope and beauty
…and me

Reality
I watch it flow
Thick, red and dark-
A fluid summation of the haunting
It flows thirstily from every incision I made
One for the pain, the turmoil, the despair, the torture
The numbness overcomes me once more
But its different this time
Its final
I embrace it
I close my eyes
I wait it out…