FB Post: Thanks for the Thoughts and Prayers but Food and Rescue Would Be Great

Tales from Hurricane Harvey: Come Hell or High Water

Hurricane Harvey has been catastrophic to my home town, my family, and my friends. My family, along with thousands of others, have been faced with mandatory evacuation and the difficult decision to leave their homes behind. At a time where they can only wait and hope that the rain will stop we have seen some of the best of the Texan people. Putting their lives on the line to help one another in a time of need. That is the spirit of Texas. I hope that this satirical piece will give my home a reason to laugh again, and resurrect that defiant Texas smile and sense of humor we are famous for, even in the face of such a catastrophe.

Hey FB Friends,

Little update. Sorry for the long post, but I have been stuck in the rafters of my garage for 3 days and I can only play so many games of tic tac toe with myself before I inevitably learned all my own moves.

First off, I just want to say thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. Some even coming so far as from Idaho (Thanks Aunt Gretchen!) I have carefully taken each one of your positive thoughts and gentle whispers and stuffed them inside a soaking wet duffle bag which I am currently using as a pillow. In fact, I’ve gotten so many I had some leftover thoughts and prayers which I have used to clothe myself as I didn’t have enough time to pack for fear of being electrocuted by the fallen power lines outside.

At the moment, I’m all set for general well wishes for my safety. I think now if we focus our thoughts and prayers on maybe a boat or something, that would help a lot. At this point I’d take a jet ski, a kayak, or hell even one of those stand-up paddle boards those hippies in Austin like to ride. I know in the past I have made fun, but in retrospect, they aren’t as goofy looking as I had once thought. Especially if one were assisting me to safety.

Speaking of assistance, I don’t know if they’re still delivering, but if someone could call in an order from Hinze’s BBQ that would be really helpful. I could go for a classic dinner plate, with brisket and smoked sausage, side of okra and mac. A slice of chocolate pie would be appreciated, but not a requirement. I ran out of peanuts yesterday, but god bless my Texas roots, I had a spare 15lbs of beef jerky in the pantry. It’s very tasty, but I’m pretty thirsty and down to my last two-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper, which, God willing, should hold me for the next couple of hours. Also, I have seen what has got to be a 10lb catfish swimming in the flood waters below my bed. So, I’ve got that going for me if things get really dire.

As it stands, the rain has shown no signs of letting up. The only relief is that President Trump is heading down this way with Air Force One stocked full of thoughts and prayers. My deepest regret is that I won’t be able to make it to the airport to give him my 2 cents, as I am currently preoccupied fighting for my life. Besides, it’s a difficult time to think politics as Harvey has been laying down the most ferocious ass whooping this state has seen since the Texans lost to the Kansas City Chiefs in the first round of the playoffs last year. We lost 30–0 if, like me, you’ve already wiped it from your memory. Since I’m fully stocked on thoughts and prayers, maybe you can send them to the Texans instead. Fingers crossed, 2017 could be our year, despite the rough start.

According to the news, the forecast is looking pretty grim. Any more rain and the Brazos River is going to crest, which means that the entire neighborhood will become the Brazos River. So in lieu of any more thoughts, prayers, texts, and tweets I’d really appreciate it if someone could call the Red Cross and tell them I’m at 2713 James Wilkins Blvd wedged into the rafters of my garage.

But if it’s too much trouble to put down Candy Crush for ten seconds, then no worries. A simple donation to the Salvation Army, the SPCA of Texas, or the Houston Food Bank would sure be of help. You could also give 20 bucks to the redneck kids on your block saving people with their mud boats. I heard they also accept tips in the form of beer, cigarettes, and gift cards to Bass Pro Shop.

I know it may look grim, but don’t y’all fret. Because in the heart of every Texan you’ll find the enduring spirit of the Lone Star state, tougher than an overcooked two-dollar steak and ready for any damn thing the world can throw at us. We’ll carry each other through the worst of it, come hell or high water.

On the bright side, we should be looking at one hell of a good harvest next season. I reckon with 50 inches of rain, that corn oughta be 20 feet tall.

In any case, good luck to each and every one of ya, and God Bless Texas. It’s going to take a lot more than a little rain and hellfire to keep us down.

In the meantime, y’all keep your heads up ya hear?