Do We Have To Be More?
This world we live in wants us to be more. More. In our superficial attempts to offer more, we fall short of substance. Short of truth. We cut short. We swallow words. Emotions. We swallow ourselves. We go out there. Half done. Swallowed. Unexpressed. Contained. Professional. Less human. Less honest. We survive. We morph. We disgust ourselves.
I didn’t want to fall short but mostly I did. I didn’t have time to digest. There was no time frame in my life dedicated to reflection. Honesty. Crying. Feeling. This is where my writing helped me. It helped me understand this numbed part of me. Who was she? She had all these feelings, perceptions, fights. On the outside, she was perfectly calm.
This is where I chose to fall short. I fell short in speeding up, in quickly reacting, in superficially feeling. I fell short in all that. In order to do that, I sacrificed the ordinary moments. I missed out questions, conversations. I missed out some people. Because I can’t. Face. My own superficial me staring right back in my face.
I know I can be more. I challenge my superficially deep part of me and exchange it for the banality of the moment.
But in order to do that, I need to have my moments. My alone moments. So I can come back and be a more present friend, lover. Present in the moment. Not missing out on the laughter. Not missing out on the ease of life. Not missing out on the spontaneous crazy moment because I was too absorbed in my mental process of digestion. Putting balance in everything I do. I can take it easy on myself. Yes, I can offer more.
The less we try to be more as per someone’s definition, the more we become. It’s a true paradox, as is life. Run away from all the definitions and you will understand which definitions are yours and which have to go.
Being more isn’t about trying or torturing yourself. It’s about KNOWING what you want to be without it being a projection of someone else. Being yours beats being more every time, that was my lesson. When the pressure to be more is gone, I understand, that it is bound to happen only if I follow my own road and be kind to others who are just trying to do the same.