Humility as a Grandeur
Approximately every other day there is some kind of situation where I deny myself the right to move forward. Not just to speak up but to feel entitled, to feel proud, to feel like there is something about what I do that does deserve attention. And not just for the sake of it, but sometimes for the confirmation that you are still here. And then there is always this question. How true is the fact that we are actually hiding ourselves making us humble to the point of arrogance? Is it just a way to not admit that we do feel the need to be recognized and approved?
Sometimes it feels like I’m just sabotaging myself. Not really try to connect to with all that I have because of the fear of coming out, owning my truth and especially owning my weaknesses. Oh no, just not that. Recognizing that we are imperfect and just putting ourselves out there?
There is this desperate need for isolation and safety of total anonymity and then there is the flawed perception of what being known is really like. The thing that we are searching for is actually somewhere in between. Between the unrealistic (and frankly quite mentally unhealthy) fame and the acknowledgement coming from the person you admire or look up to saying: Hey, what a really good job. But isn’t it all just trying to fill up the hole of not ever being good enough and not ever really having faith in yourself to stand up, do your shit, get criticized for it and still go home feeling like a winner. Or winning all together has nothing to do with it but learning to let go and lose some? :)
The mind never seems to step questioning…what am I truly and what am I still hiding?