When the Old Self Comes Crumbling Down
Sometimes it feels like I can talk myself into knowing better. But the fact is, I sometimes cannot not. Still feeling the inflated self-importance issue somewhere under the layer of trying to escape the Dark Side. The fact is, I have a choice in how I treat others. And that choice gives you power. You realize that the fact that you have been hurt as well does not make you immune to hurting someone else. It is a painful fact.
First, when he left, you were disappointed with him, with life, feeling the absolute pain of what was the result of total focus on the other person. Then, the realization that you have to take responsibility. That it was you who gave him the power of controlling how you feel about yourself, your future, your life. You realize it should not be so. You feel righteous because you managed to stay on course. What inflated self-importance. Feeling above someone in whatever way. So he was the one making the mistake, not you. But you could be next. Someone could come and you could feel like you can manipulate and you take that advantage and then you feel the power, I could really break someone’s heart. And then there is the sudden urge to prove yourself you are desirable. You go with the ways of the body… Just to feel good again. Just to feel less of an empty abandoned shell. And you get some satisfaction, you really do. It somehow balances your inner system. And then you look at what is there and wonder…where the hell is me in that picture. An Indian yogi said: you can go with the ways of the body, and it’s not right or wrong , it’s just limited. That’s it. Limited. You feel like you need more, you always need more, crave more. Whatever it is: sex, alcohol, work, even spiritual practice.
Trying to not see the things as they are. Always as they are. Acknowledging the brutal hurt that has happened. Acknowledging you are trying to heal yourself. Accepting what is and what is felt. Accepting the bad side of yourself and stop trying so hard to figure it all out.
Realizing the small scale of your self importance and at the same time building a healthy level of self-esteem feels like a daunting process. But it must be done. It must be done.