(18 year old me)

Where do I start… from the beginning I guess, it’s hard to remember exactly where it all started but I’ll try my best. Right now I’m trying to visualize eleventh grade or was it late tenth grade year when I gained feelings for him. Its all a blur really and sort of hard to talk about or even write. I was younger then and had no clue as to what or whom I wanted. To tell you the truth I was full of confusion, still trying to find myself.

The word “he” shouldn’t be taken lightly for the simple fact that he is the reason why I’m writing this paper. _________, even before I knew his name or was fond of him we were attached somewhere mentally. I knew I wanted someone like him. The first time we ever met was through the Internet; nowadays that’s how everyone meets. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were friends but I like him not knowing or caring if he liked me back. He was different from the rest. In the beginning we could talk for hours about common interests and just life in general.

He was intelligent and that’s what attracted me to him for the most part, not even his looks. I was in love with his mind, how he spoke, and how he carried himself. He made me happy without us actually being together. He was my distraction from the anything bad going on in my life at the time. I spoke to him about everything and he was always around to listen. I truly miss those days the most. I miss him being my friend; someone I went to for advice just someone to talk to.

He opened my eyes to many things and I learned so much from him. I loved everything about him and I fell in love quickly. Just the thought of him gave me butterflies. It was another story when we started dating, I can even say he blinded me. In my eyes it was all about him “everything revolved around ________.” I wouldn’t allow myself to be mad at him. I was in love with him and I still am.

But I remember being hurt many times by him. It gets confusing doesn’t it? How can someone you so highly praise and love hurt you, it happens. I had so much love for him that I looked passed all of that. I put you first without any realization. Making excuses for you was a daily task and no one not even my closest friends could understand and honestly I didn’t care. I knew he loved me but I actually think I loved him more and in a way I was okay with that. Besides that he was good to me, always. He never held anything back from me and I appreciate him for that.

I think things started to change our senior year, which was a hectic year for both of us. Graduation was around the corner and we were beginning to start new lives. We both changed… and it came with hurt and disappointment. Many of those things were stupid and spiteful. I needed him the most during those times but by then everything had took a turn for the worst.

When our relationship finally ended I had never felt so lost and alone in my entire life. Of course I had my family and friends but losing him hit hard. I even blamed myself for a long time. I can’t even begin to tell you how depressed I was the week of our break up. I tried to get over him, trust me I tried but I always caught myself comparing other guys to him. None of them compared or even came close to him. I was stuck in a situation that was easy to get out of but I didn’t put in much effort to do so. There were many times where I wanted to call or text him but my pride wouldn’t let me and I was afraid of being rejected.

I know its going to take me a very long time to get over him because I’m not at the stage were I want to yet. Maybe him being the first person I ever truly loved and cared for makes it even harder.

Writing this gave me some sort of closure; I had all these emotions inside me for so long, which turned out to not be good for me at all. But without him these emotions would still be bottled up, Thank you.

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