The Difference

Bailey Grace
Jul 22, 2017 · 3 min read

I’m reading a book about infidelity, trust and saving a marriage that looks beyond saving. When I first picked up the book, I felt a little angry. Like I was being asked to fight when the fight has completely gone out of me. Then when I sat and opened the first page, I realized that I was going to sob my way through every page of this book. I also wondered and stated aloud, “Why should I want to redeem this marriage?” And I was aggravated by my emotional flip-flopping. I desperately wanted my marriage to work. I had fallen head over heels back in love with my husband. But the pain in me made me want to run. And run fast.

I found myself alone this evening, in a blessedly quiet, empty house and settled in for the emotional roller coaster that I was bound to ride while reading this book. Of course, it was painful to read of the authors experience and her deep pain. I sobbed as I relived my own hurt. But what really got me was when she quoted another woman who’s huband had been unfaithful. This woman said the biggest reason she was able to stay was because her husband had been so contrite. So humbled, broken and begged for forgiveness. He was willing to do what ever it took to make the marriage work. This theme has been repeated over and over. The sorrow and repentance of the offending spouse was key. This is the difference.

Another line stole my breath “ My husband had just endured one of the most humiliating things a man can go through, and yet he woke up every morning at 5:30 to go make $10 an hour for his family. And he did it with a smile on his face because we were still with him.” (Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall pg 56) I could have written this line, but I would need to change the last sentence. My husband more often than not stomped and huffed and slammed his way around the house in the morning. Furious that he had to go to a job he did not like and work hard for a paycheck that was far less than he deserves. And somehow he was admittedly with- holding his love and affection from me because of it. This is the difference.

The author, and others quoted in this book, often share how the offending spouse was ready to go above and beyond to prove their willingness to make the marriage work. My husband is still in communication with her family. He says that he can separate her and the affair and does not associate her family with her. This is nearly impossible for me to believe. Regardless, he knows this hurts me deeply, and yet the conversation continues. This is the difference.

I have sobbed my way through the day. I cried this morning when I opened and read the first page of this book, I cried behind my sunglasses while I played with my kids at the public pool and I have sobbed my way through the evening as I have read and prayed and called out to God.

I want an escape from this pain. I want my husband to pursue me, to chase me, to fight for me. I want to write a beautiful story of redemption. But I finally feel like I have done all that I can do. God can redeem our marriage. But my husband must be willing. How long do I wait? When do I bow out gracefully? How will this affect our beautiful innocent children?

Sin is ugly. The consequences of my husbands sin have rocked my world. And it may destroy the home that I dreamed of providing for my children. Such loss may be ineveitbable.

But God will make up the difference. Whether it’s through a redeemed marriage or through the more difficult path of divorce, I know God will make up the difference. He will not leave me alone. Of this, and only this, I am sure.

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