Alien Resident

Insecurity isn’t my hometown. I’d pass through on brief vacations, but I never lived there.

Once I pitched my tent and got comfortable there, the differences weren’t noticable at first. We all have insecurities; it’s human. But slowly self-deprication became self-doubt. Occasional uncertainty became full out unhappiness. It exhausted me, but for a time, I did a good job of hiding it.

But my hypercritcal treatment of myself spilled over from internalized doubt into my dealings with the people surrounding me. Doubting myself is one thing. Doubting the people around me is something entirely different. The cloud of negativity can become overwhelming. The repeated sentiment has been that i don’t feel out of place in my own skin, hence everything and everyone around me feels out of place.

I don’t think there’s a way to have a high level of insecurity without making the people around you feel as though you’re unhappy with them. And that’s typically neither true nor fair. But it can truly cause an alienation, which makes depression and spirals seem even more hopeless.

That’s not a life. I’m thankful for the boosts out of those moments, no matter how brief they may be. I didn’t get here overnight, so I don’t expect an emotional windfall to pull me out of this. But I can capitalize on the boosts that I am allowed to bring me just a little closer to happiness.

When you’re low, it’s easy to cling to the things that you want to blame for your low points. You let these foreign things and feelings take over your psyche. It’s counterproductive. Cling to what makes you happy. Put a pit bull hold on it if need be. It won’t always be like this. I promise.

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