I am an addictive personality
Although I had very nice dates in the last days with good physical escalation, I didn’t have sex. I feel that I am self conscious about pushing things to the last step, because I have hidden fears about sexuality. I have a pretty low self image of my body, although I am tall and rather sporty. Often I thought that my dick isn’t large enough or that my body is not proportionate. Those fears are not reasonable, because I am above average in almost all physical aspects. Nevertheless this anxiety follows me everywhere. The only way out is probably to fight it with experience. I had few sexual partners and I simply lack the experience and the desire by many women to see that I am indeed a good fuck. I realize that I define my own self-worth from the acceptance of women. This is very dangerous, because it is not true. I don’t need women to like myself. I need women to make them and myself happy and have great sex with them.
I also realized that by spending a large amount of time with day game and trying to pick up women, you will automatically neglect your work and your hobbies. There is much to learn in seduction. And the things you learn will benefit you in many other areas of life. The dangerous (but exciting) part for me is the following: When I am hooked to something, I try to become very good at it. I had several cognitive exhausting hobbies that I pushed very hard and I am a very competitive person. I always want to excel at what I am doing. I want to improve myself and measure my success. At it’s very core, I want to be better than everybody else. If I pick a hobby and if I found a way to track my progress with this hobby, then it becomes very, very, very addictive to me. In many sports, there is a ELO-Rating to measure your strengths in it. In pickup, there is the number of women you slept with and the hotness of the girls you slept with. You could define your time dependent ELO in pickup with the following formula:
Pickup-Elo = (Number of Girls Slept with * Average Attractiveness) / (Number of months active in Pickup)
So If you slept with 7 girls in 8 months and the average attractiveness (objectively estimated by N other PUA’s) of those girls is at 5.5, your ELO is:
ELO = (7 * 6.5) / 8 = 4.8125
But if you slept with 15 girls in 8 months and the average attractiveness was 7.5, then your rating is:
ELO = (15 * 7.5) / 8 = 14.0625
Although this is mathematically seen not a real ELO, it might be possible to construct such a accurate rating. For lot’s of people such a computation might seem inhuman, but let’s be honest here: We evaluate the attractiveness of potential partners all the time. We are looking for biological fit partners of the opposite sex to reproduce and to achieve the only reason we live: Making sure that our species doesn’t die.
My current ELO is very low. I try to climb the latter and to learn a lot in the process. It’s paramount to not forget that I am dealing with human beings that I might hurt. So my greatest ambition is to have fun and have a good time with beautiful ladies without bringing pain. But this is probably only a deep rooted worry of mine: I am already a decent person (no saint for sure). I am allowed to have fun and I should definitively allow myself to be happy.