It’s okay if things that are “supposed to be easy” are not.
An anxious person’s guide to navigating intense anxiety for first-timers.
Growing up, I had inexplicable and irrational fears, both conscious and subconscious, that controlled my life. School field trips were like Russian roulette — some were fun, and some ended with me being picked up early in excruciating pain that would dissipate as soon as I got home. I would keep myself up for hours analyzing every single event of my day as if there was a secret code that needed to be sorted out. This, among other behaviors, led me into therapy at age 11, where I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and put on medication, which gave me my life back. I have been in and out of therapy ever since, and have been medicated and unmedicated in that time.
I am noticing now that a lot of people who have never lived with anxiety are really struggling to manage it and I wanted to share some of the big things I’ve learned by being in my brain and working it out in therapy. Consider this a therapy redux: obviously it is not a satisfactory replacement for therapy (which I HIGHLY recommend!) but hopefully it can give you some peace of mind or tools as we navigate this really strange time.
Before we dive into this, I want to take a second to acknowledge that not all of these recommendations are possible in all circumstances. Privilege intersects with our experience especially around mental health when it comes to access, environment, and culture. Especially right now, our responsibilities to others (work, family, etc.) have in some cases increased two or three fold. Front-line and essential workers don’t have the option to walk away. That all being said, know that not all of these will resonate with all people. My hope is that one of them resonates for one person, making their journey a little easier.
1. It’s okay if things that are “supposed to be easy” are not.
Anxiety is your brain telling your nervous system that there is an imminent threat, to which your brain responds by fighting it, fleeing, freezing, or in some cases, fawning (which tends to be exclusively in response other humans). The world around us is changing and, in many cases, is practically unrecognizable. Your brain is processing this threat and there is not enough rational data to calm yourself down. We have less control over our lives on a global scale than ever.
So, you may find that certain tasks that were once really easy like going to the store, for example, suddenly cause you to flee or freeze. Working past your fight or flight response is hard. REALLY hard. It takes a lot of mental energy and courage to go against your body’s response. You’re not broken because you are having to work extra hard to do seemingly “basic” things. You are navigating an involuntary neurological response that is completely new to you and is based on a really rational fear.
2. Beating yourself up for feeling the way you do only compounds the problem.
You are a human being with emotions. There’s a reason that “motion” is in that word: it needs to move through us. We need to process them and let them breathe. When we resist our feelings or tell ourselves that we are [XYZ Derogatory Word] we only press them in deeper. Be gentle with yourself. Monitor your self-talk and try your best to treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. It’s hard enough to work through everything without the added layer of telling yourself that you’re a piece of shit for having to work through it in the first place. You didn’t bring these feelings on yourself. You are doing your best.
3. Be honest with yourself about what you need.
Oooooh this is a big one! It is very scary to take ownership of our needs, especially when we convince ourselves that they are irrational or less important. They are neither of those things. The best thing you can do when you are feeling anxious is to be SUPER honest about what you need to feel safe and secure. Because doing anything less than that is only going to increase your anxiety. Do you need to take 30 minutes to snuggle into your bed and take deep breaths? Do you need to listen to your favorite song and dance it out? Do you need to call your best friend and cry? Do it. You may not always be able to do what you need right in that moment, but when you can, it makes all the difference.
3a. It’s okay if you don’t know what you need.
The caveat to this, of course, is that sometimes we don’t know what we need! And that’s okay too. It’s enough to know that whatever you are currently doing is not what you need. You can step away from a situation and meditate/brainstorm either alone or with someone you trust to work your way down to the nugget. Not knowing the preferred alternative does not mean that you have to stay in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation.
4. Be honest with OTHERS about what you need.
This can be even harder than the conversation with ourselves, but in order to really create a safe environment for yourself, you have to tell everyone else what you need. People aren’t mind-readers (whaaa??) and need instructions on how to best support you. Otherwise, they’re just going to keep taking shots in the dark that may end up doing more harm than good. Of course, people aren’t always going to listen to your needs or be able to support you in them. But it’s still important to voice what you need and take the space for yourself to take care of yourself.
5. Doing the bare minimum is more sustainable than burning yourself out.
In times of high anxiety, people can react one of two ways: wanting to do NOTHING and wanting to do EVERYTHING. If you find that you want to do EVERYTHING, pace yourself. Because doing everything all the time can lead to burn-out, at which point you won’t be able to take care of yourself in the way you need to. It’s okay to feel motivated to get things done and feel productive, but make sure you are giving yourself time to breathe, too.
If you find that you want to do NOTHING, that’s okay too. Make a list of the bare minimum you need to do for yourself; brushing your teeth, making your bed, eating vegetables, etc. And that’s all you need to do in a day. Focusing on small, easy tasks that are easy to manage that also keep you alive and healthy is enough. You don’t need to write the next best-selling novel or build a better mousetrap. Keep yourself alive and healthy. You don’t even need to be happy, per se. Alive, healthy, and content. Doing the bare minimum is more than enough.
6. It’s okay to say “I can’t do this right now” and walk away.
Don’t force yourself to do something that is making you anxious. You don’t have to punish yourself or torture yourself. All we have right now is time, there are very few things so urgent that need to be done right away. If you don’t have the mental energy in that moment, step away. It’s not worth it to make yourself feel worse.
6a. You may need to do certain mental/emotional prep to do certain things.
There are, of course, going to be things that have to be done. Acknowledge that they are going to take a lot of your energy. Prepare yourself however you need to, whether through a reward system, meditation, or other coping mechanism and give yourself after-care when the task is complete. You don’t have to hold yourself to unrealistic expectations. Set yourself up for success by honoring your feelings, finding a strategy that feels safe, and taking care of yourself afterwards.
7. Coping mechanisms are not all bad.
Sometimes I think that we’ve villainized the concept of the “coping mechanism” as something to be avoided or as a sign of weakness. Of course, coping mechanisms that cause you harm (like drug abuse, for example) are not ideal. But we all NEED coping mechanisms to survive. We need things that feel good when everything feels bad. And they are different for everyone. This is a great time to experiment with what feels good for you; do you like puzzles, or do you prefer to binge watch shows? Are you someone who loves to run or play guitar? Find the things that make it easier to cope and USE THOSE TOOLS. You can be discerning in what the tools are, but use ’em baby. And don’t be afraid to say “you know, I don’t enjoy this” and stop doing it.
8. Your anxiety is just your brain trying to protect you. Say thank you, I’m okay.
Some people find it helpful to personify their anxiety as a creature or other person so that they can speak directly to it. I do this and find that it really helps. So when I am feeling anxious about something, I turn to my anxiety and say “thank you for protecting me, I’m going to be okay.” Sometimes it helps.
9. Ask for help.
Oof another doozy! Ask for help!!!!! Often, when we talk about asking for help, it usually means emotionally. But this doesn’t necessarily mean asking for help with your anxiety. In fact, other people don’t always help with the anxiety. But they can help you with the tasks that make you anxious. So, if you need someone to talk to, reach out. Or if going to the grocery store is really hard for you, see if you can find a friend or family member to support you by helping with your shopping; either by doing it when they do their own shopping or by coming with you. If watching the news is overwhelming, ask a friend who watches it to give you the sparknotes. You don’t have to do everything all the time.
10. You are not alone.
Okay, I know this is so cliché but I wanted to elaborate on it. Yes, there are people around us who love and support us. That is true. But I mean that you are not the only person who is feeling the way you are feeling. Your experience is unique, but the anxiety you are experiencing is more common than ever! So don’t tell yourself that you’re broken or messed up for feeling the way you do. There are a lot of people who have been coping with anxiety for a long time and there are a lot of people experiencing it on this level for the first time.
Sometimes when we feel that other people are having a tough time, it’s hard to open up about our feelings. But having (consensual!!) conversations about your experience can be really, really cathartic. Because you get to express yourself and the other person will probably have something to support or deepen your perspective as you chat. You don’t have to suffer in silence — there are resources, tools, and people who can help you learn how to navigate all of this. Whether it’s a therapist, a book, a hotline, or a good friend.
Bonus: Surviving is enough.
If you get through the day and wake up for another one, you have done enough. The rest is just gravy.
