Amal Clooney’s U.N. Address: Baby Bump Grabs the Mic

Associated Press.

Thursday, March 9: When renowned human rights lawyer Amal Clooney stood before the U.N. Council and called on the Iraqi government to prosecute ISIS for war crimes, she was speaking for two.

Sporting a daffodil-yellow dress with matching coat and no discernable change in her torso circumference, Amal Clooney flaunted a suspiciously loose waistline — a striking departure from her standard policy of form-fitting skirts. Barrister Clooney’s impassioned speech was received with excitement by policymakers and press corps members alike.

Halfway through Barrister Clooney’s description of the uncovered mass graves that ISIS militants dug in occupied territory and filled with hundreds of victims, one reporter attempted to position a tall flower arrangement behind Clooney’s podium. An Associate Press member implored Clooney to drape a transparent veil of tulle over her head, squat on a pillow, and pull up her butter-yellow dress to better display her “bun in the oven.” Clooney politely declined, despite several murmurs of “power-hungry bitch” and “bad mother.”

While Barrister Clooney described her female clients’ harrowing escape from sexual slavery and survival of assaults in refugee camps, one journalist complained that the Barrister was not audible. He implored Clooney to shift her microphone lower and angle it towards her stomach, asking: “How many heart beats per minute is your little guy up to? Any idea what the due date is?”

Before Clooney could respond, another reporter threw this challenging curve ball: “How do you anticipate your pregnancy will affect your ability to wear heels to work? What percentage of your success do you attribute to your fashion sense, and is there any percentage left over to attribute success to your marriage to George Clooney?”

As the Barrister prepared her response, the reporter apologized. “My mistake, Mrs. Clooney. I see George Clooney has been standing right behind you the whole time. To the Proud Papa: can you comment on the nuances of your wife’s influence on international law, and will she be opting for a C-section?”

After several minutes of feverish paparazzi flashbulbs, it became apparent that the reporter had confused the Barrister’s famous Hollywood hunk husband with an empty water glass. “Optical illusion, I guess!” the reported confided with colleagues on the U.N. floor. “I just couldn’t see past that baby bump…it’s like it was growing before my eyes. Where do babies come from, by the way? Is Amal having sex?”

Perhaps most gripping of all were the closing words of Barrister Clooney’s address: “I am speaking to you, the Iraqi government, U.N. member states, and world leaders: Eyes up here.”

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