Early Morning Satire: Tuesday, 12/6/16

The Pentagon’s spending coverup, Fighter Jets in India, and Kellyanne Conway’s “surround-sound superstructure.” WASHINGTON POST

Pentagon Buries Evidence of $125 Billion in Bureaucratic Waste

The Pentagon requested a study to locate areas of bureaucratic inefficiency to streamline military spending and redirect funds to active combat; when the study found that the Pentagon had wasted over $125 billion, senior defense officials attempted to suppress the findings. Hiding the study proved to be much easier than officials expected; one administrator faxed the report to a supervisor who handed it to secretary who put it in a “To file before 2023” pile, and it was never seen again.

As Trump Vows to Stop Flow of Jobs Overseas, U.S. Plans to Make Fighter Jets in India

Despite Trump’s agenda to keep factory jobs on U.S. soil, American military manufacturers are planning to relocate their F-16 fighter jet assembly from Texas to India, in the hopes that they will be able to sell more of the bomber planes to other countries. In the hopes of appealing to Trump’s business sense, jet manufacturers have announced that foreign countries can buy the first 1,000 Indian-made jets at a discounted rate if they use the promo code “GarageSale4WWIII.”

New Pro-Trump Group Takes Form, with Kellanne Conway Possibly at the Helm

Yesterday, Kellyanne Conway announced plans to create a group that will push Trump’s agenda for healthcare, immigration, and tax reform by providing the Trump administration with a “surround-sound superstructure.” Surround-sound superstructure plans include driving the President-elect around in a bulletproof plexiglass “Trump-mobile” and blasting subwoofers on the Senate floor to drown out Democratic filibusters until political opponents’ ears bleed and votes are conceded due to blood loss.

Citing High Cost, Trump Says Boeing’s Contract to Build Air Force One Should Be Canceled

Announcing to reporters that the plan to build a new Air Force One plane “is totally out of control” and that “Boeing is doing a little bit of a number,” Trump tweeted his opposition to the contract:

Boeing representatives explained that the primary reason for cost overrun was Trump’s request to have his Presidential plane plated with solid gold.

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