Early Morning Satire: Wednesday, 12/7/16
Hopeful coal miners in West Virginia, Subzero retreat from Standing Rock, and Libya’s liberation from ISIS. WASHINGTON POST
After Trump learned of a Japanese conglomerate’s pledge to invest $50 billion in the U.S. several months after the deal was announced, the President-elect took credit for brokering the investment himself. When asked by a business reporter about which came first, the chicken or the egg, Trump replied: “Me.”
Michael G. Flynn, a member of the President-elect’s transition team and son to one of Trump’s advisors, has been dismissed for promoting false conspiracy theories about child sex trafficking in a D.C. pizzeria. Flynn’s dismissal proves that Trump engages in both lying and nepotism, but requires his cabinet members to pick just one.
Hospital trade groups sent the President-elect a letter warning that clients will lose unprecedented sums of money if the Affordable Care Act is rescinded because thousands of newly uninsured patients will not be able to pay their high healthcare premiums. Trump expressed dismay, explaining that his advisors had given him to understand that as soon as the ACA was repealed, all uninsured citizens would melt upon contact with water and/or turn to stone at sunrise.
Trump’s popularity amongst Virginia’s coal miners is riding high, even after the President-elect chose as his commerce secretary Wilbur Ross, a Manhattan billionaire who owned a coal mine responsible for West Virginia’s most deadly explosion in decades. When asked for further comment about their optimism for future, the coal miners were unavailable because their heads were literally underground.
When 55mph winds and subzero temperatures swept the North Dakota pipeline protesters’ encampment, organizers and medics alike urged the Standing Rock activists to take shelter at a nearby casino. Said one Standing Rock resident, upon entering the casino for shelter: “The Dakota Access people are betting on us giving up, but we’ll never sell out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go play the slot machines.”
Though Libyan forces backed by U.S. airstrikes have successfully driven ISIS from their strongholds in Libya, the country remains as vulnerable to extremist takeover as its ISIS-plagued neighbors, Iraq, Syria, and Afghanistan. Libyan fighters took to the streets today to celebrate unseating ISIS from their country, chanting: “Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan, if they can’t do it, why do we think we can!”