It Still Hurts.
Yes, life goes on but it’s never the same.
As the weather warms and the flowers bloom I am overwhelmed with sadness knowing the anniversary is approaching. The first thunder storm of the season took me back to those days. The smell of the spring air. The cool dampness that touched my skin. The warmth of the season literally froze me. How blessed I am to still remember the hurt of those days. How blessed I am to have loved someone that I am still able to miss to the point it physically hurts.
I’ve heard so many times that grief gets easier with time. It may for some people or perhaps, this is the easy way to describe how grief transforms each of us. I’m still occasionally blindsided by grief and other times I am unaware the real reason for my mood is because I simply miss my mom. In those moments, I often wonder why life without her is so hard. And then, I remember it’s because of the love, laughs, and amazing memories. Then I pick myself up and keep going…
So, here we are 365 days later. There are moments of time that feel so strangely normal, as if the magnitude of grief has no impact on regular everyday life and I wonder how I got here… how did I get to a place where I am sitting so comfortably with hurt… a place where I’ve watched so many things fall apart and into place all at the same time. Then like a smack in the face, I realize I’m growing, I’m changing, and things are working out. I am living; my heart, it’s still beating. As I watched the events unravel during those days in the hospital I wondered how I would ever get here. How will I ever live without my mom when I still have my entire life yet to live? How will I ever be the mom I need to be to my daughter without her guidance? And what about my sisters… all of the things she got to see me accomplish that my sisters will too. In this place, though tough, I’ve realized that our lives can change as quick as a single breath and moments are fragile in making a change both positive and negative, happy and sad. It is up to us as the individual to decide if we will forget and run or face and embrace a moment.
Life isn’t perfect, make it work.
There are so many questions I’ve wanted to ask her. So many recipes I’ve needed her expertise. And even more moments I wish to hear her laugh and see her smile. I’d give anything to be free of feeling such bone breaking hurt. I would give even more to have my mom here with us. However, I am also blessed by friendships that have formed and bonds that have grown stronger over the last year and I honestly can’t imagine living any other way. My heart overflows with joy when her friends and family share their memories of her because her love still lives in their hearts. I learn a little more every day about her though missing her physical presence. She, without a doubt, loved with the entirety of her tender heart, it’s the theme I hear in stories time and time again.
To those of you (that’s you reading right now) that have held me while I cried, cried with me, talked me through overwhelming moments, sat in silence, pulled me closer when I tried to push you away, and just hugged me during my moments of confusion … thank you. You each carry an amazing characteristic of my mom’s personality and it’s easy to see one of the many reasons God allowed our paths to cross. You help me continue to reach my goals and continue dreaming despite the forever holes in my heart that want to hold me back. Thank you for loving me at my weakest and keeping me humble at my best. Thank you for being a part of my life, always. XOXO