Where are All the Statues on TV?

There is a lack of representation of statues on TV. This observation begs the question: Where are All the Statues on TV? This , of course, is not to be confused with the Fall Out Boy song of a similar choice of too many words. From the really old ones carved by the hands of the legendary Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to the really new ones carved by the uniquely shrill tones of Yoko Ono, there is just a lack of diversity in the warm glow of the telly by the cold stare of a statue. I’m only speculating, but I think I’ve figured out where they are.

1Darning socks with the Queen of England

The Queen of England is a low-key fan of darning socks, but she never really had anyone to do it with until she met a lovely old group of elderly sandstone statues. Now some of them are mixed stone, but the Queen doesn’t really get that yet. It’s not that she doesn’t get it maliciously; she really loves and respects her sock darning crew. It’s just tough to keep up with every little detail of this ever-changing world. I feel you, the Queen of England.

2 Being a part of Justin Bieber’s entourage

With their stoic expressions, due to the fact their faces are literally made of marble, they make especially good entourage members to the ever-rascally J Biebs. Especially with his new puppy, having non-functioning nasal passages works out perfectly to pick up the excrement of the learning pup. Don’t worry, they get compensation by getting to see first-hand all the crazy antics of a boy turned pop star turned man-boy.

3 Doing live comedy shows in bars at the American-Canadian border

Since Canada coined the word “multiculturalism” in the 1970’s, there must be at least one live comedy show of statues near Canada as a way to promote multiculturalism in the world, since the medium of TV isn’t giving them a space of representation. I’d “reckon” the choice of the “border” as their stage surely is purposeful to show they are perhaps “on edge” with the “issue” of “representation”.

4 Breaking compasses for the ironic symbolism

Statues are just like everyone else, man. They want to prove that they are their own compasses, so they’ve gone in the woods for a while to break thousands of compasses they’ve picked up at thrift stores. Talk about a therapeutic activity that we humans could potentially pick up. Or, wait… did we start that? Dang it, I guess it’s time to start a never-ending argument of who gets credit for an invention of an activity.

When it comes down to it, the frequency that you see statues on TV is “occasionally”. These occasions are usually a news coverage of murders in museums or in fancy parks with fountains, and they’re either getting murdered or in the background for a split second. Although murder is a bit of a bummer to bring up, the diversity issue is something we all have to work at to mend, starting with maybe a sitcom of a family of statues called “Fresh Off the Stone Block”? Or “Statue-ish”? I’m thinking maybe “Stoned: It’s not about Witches or Weed Okay”.

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