“You Totally Have a Boyfriend!” and Other Back-Handed Compliments

People running away from back-handed compliments into the sweet, sweet ocean.

“You would look good on my lap.”

Am I a beer stain on your jeans? Am I a child-bride to your rapey Santa Claus? No, and no- that’s so creepy. I am an adult human woman and I do not think it is “sexy” if you are approaching me with your clear intentions of attempting to make me your arm candy- I guess, in this case, leg candy. I am not your lap dog. Make me your personality dog.

“We would totally be dating if I didn’t know you as a friend.”

UGH. That’s literally the worst thing. For starters, your entitlement to the fact that I am a woman who would be dying to date you at first sight is ridiculous. For enders, let me just tell you that you are saying that in some thread of the universe we would only be compatible if we only got arranged relationship’d/marriage’d or something, only!!! I know for me, personally, I like to know the person who I am dating somewhat before we date. Which means kind of being friends. Because being friends usually means some kind of respect is there, but then again I’ve seen “friends” be racist and sexist to each other like nobody’s business. Perhaps saying this will help you clear up any possible romantic intentions to find a nonsexual balance in the relationship you have with me, but I honestly when you say that to me I think it’s just a back-handed compliment that sends unnecessary mixed messages.

“You don’t look white.”

It can be often said with a tone that gives off the vibe that it’s a compliment. Sometimes it’s said with a tone that gives off the vibe that it’s a diss. Either way, saying that you think I “don’t look white” is something that I understand helps you to make you feel that you are secure in your own race because you’re trying to change my view of my own racial appearance. You don’t need to say it. I know what I look like. I own a mirror. I take selfies. I take selfies through mirrors. Just live your life, dude, without reinforcing white beauty standards or exoticism of Asian looks. I love my multiracial heritage. It took me a heck of a time to get there, so just accept that I’m Chinese and Jewish American and that I don’t look like one specific, negating label that you have to point out.

“You look good without makeup.” and/or “You look good with makeup.”

A lot of ladies and guys have addressed this women and makeup issue before, but let me assure you the message definitely needs to be repeated; it’s my body, so it’s my choices. I appreciate your honesty with your opinion, but don’t try dishing this out to get me to modify my behaviors to fit what you like in a woman’s appearance. I love dolling up, it’s a thing I like to do for myself and makes me feel confident. I also love just going about errands makeup-less sometimes, cause truly makeup can be expensive and tiring to upkeep all the time. Plus, a girl’s pores have to breathe!!! I just want to do me, as I’m sure that you want to do you, so skip these makeup-related compliments, please.

“You totally have a boyfriend!”

Thanks for assuming that I’m taken. I’m not. I’m just a single gal in this world that everyone assumes is in a relationship because I carry myself in a way where I’m not seeking “a mate” in which to “fornicate” with. Or maybe is it because I carry around Axe bodyspray around with me cause I got a sample for free and I like the smell of douchery as a replacement for a shower. But to assume that it has to be a guy that I’m with for me to be walking around confidently as an independent woman is so passé. Assume it’s a girlfriend, why not. Assume it’s a life partner, any gender applicable. Assume that I’m just happy with myself, and let’s talk about something else, like what happy memory I would relive if I was tripping on iowaska. ’Cause if the conversation starts going that way away from surface level talk then I might probably let you compliment my mouth with your mouth.