An Abstract on the Subject of Myself

Dear family,

I am writing to inform you of several key developments on the subject of myself, Jean McGovern. As my first semester at college draws to a close, I feel that it is only fair to inform you of the changes you should expect to find when you come to pick me up on December 17th (please no earlier or later than 12pm). Although it has come to my attention that certain members of this family who shall not be mentioned by name have expressed skepticism about these developments, they should look up the psychological concept of projection as well as consider whether someone who still sleeps with a stuffed animal is the best judge of personal growth.

To begin with, I now eat mushrooms, as well as certain kinds of beans. Although I don’t want to point any fingers, I would like to mention that if I had known previously that beans could be fried and then mixed with cheese and sour cream and guacamole, my protein intake could have been significantly increased over the years. An adequate supply of protein is particularly important during formative periods of bone development; without this, growth may be stunted and people may end up unfairly shorter than their younger siblings.

Secondly, I have stopped shaving. I would like invite anyone who tries to call me “monkey legs” or “Patti Smith Junior” (side note: no one even knows who she is anymore, so don’t say this unless you want to embarrass yourself) to consider the fact that shaving contradicts millions of years of human evolution and is a symbol of female subjugation by the patriarchy. Also, it’s both expensive and environmentally-unfriendly. So to anyone thinking about making some kind of juvenile taunt, first take a critical look at your own narrow-minded stance on body hair.

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