Surrendering fear.

Turning points are an interesting place to be. Switching gears or slowing down and taking time to re-evaluate your life and the direction it’s heading can be scary at first. It took some time, but it was in a quiet calm moment this evening I realised that I’m no longer afraid.

I think many of us are or have been scared. Scared we’ll lose control, afraid we won’t measure up, or that we’ll look foolish or that we aren’t quite sure what we’re doing with our lives.

I realised this evening that I’m not afraid anymore. I need not be fearful. I follow a God who is far bigger and greater and wiser than my biggest concern or worry. He’s mightier than my greatest battle, stronger than my deepest hurt.

I stand in utter amazement at His majesty and creation, His redemptive plan, His mercy and grace. The Way He gently leads His people throughout scripture to a right relationship with Him. What do I have to fear in life?

King David marvelled at this in his beautiful psalms; his songs of praise to God.

The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1–2

It was when I stopped fighting for control of my life and chose to trust in God that I became far more courageous than I thought possible.

Courage doesn’t necessarily come naturally for me. I’m not overly adventurous like some. I like to weigh up the risks against the potential benefits and if the risk is too great, well… I won’t risk it. I think having the courage to trust is very powerful and it is often in these moments where we surrender control, that our Heavenly Father shows us His loving hand upon our lives.

In the past few weeks I have chosen on a number of occasions to surrender that control. To put worry aside and to simply trust in my Elohim. I am learning, slowly, like an infant, that I don’t need to control, nor can I control every aspect of my life.

While typically throughout my life I’ve not been very adventurous, I do have a habit of being a little controlling. I don’t think this has been in a nasty way but I do have a difficult time when certain things don’t go my way (My husband has been incredibly understanding and accommodating over the years).

I don’t think I’m unique in this. *Huge generalisation coming up* We all in one or more area of our lives like to have a level of control. Some for smooth daily living, some are quirky traits and some can tend toward neurocies.

My tendency toward tightly controlling most aspects of my life may stem from chronic illness where other elements of my life seemed completely out of my influence. Chronic pain and infertility are two things which are very difficult to ‘control’, however they can certainly be managed and ultimately handed over to God in faith.

While I have been mostly pain free for a number of years, becoming a mother is a whole other story. After exploring certain avenues and exhausting those options I have chosen to simply trust in God.

At first this was a little scary. How could I, after so long, truly surrender this? It had previously eaten at me and consumed my every waking thought. Now, in a different place I have a sense of peace which is indescribable. I have been blessed with a beautiful calmness that is humbling. A sense that I don’t need to concern myself with this. That it is truly up to God.

While we await the unfolding of the story of our lives, I know that He is gently guiding us. Walking with us. Teaching me to trust Him. To not be afraid and to rest. His rest is so simple, so peaceful and loving. I don’t need to fight, there’s no need to fear. His plan and will for our lives together is to be revealed to us in time.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I can’t possibly know. Perhaps it will be a life where we become parents, perhaps He has other plans. Regardless, I trust Him and I’m thankful and amazed at the life I already live. Walking with my God, trusting that He knows the Way and enjoying this beautiful life that He has given me.

In pain I couldn’t see the healing ahead. In heartache I couldn’t feel the joy I feel today. In desperation I couldn’t understand that His Kingdom, His Word and His love are what I need to sustain me.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Matthew 6:33

When the focus of my life was changing I meditated on this verse. I think in my child like naivety I previously believed that if I just had enough faith, I’d have a child. Or that if I focused more on God and His Word, then I’d get what I deeply desired. After months of contemplating that verse and desiring to seek God’s Kingdom the verse came to life for me.

Seeking God’s Kingdom and His righteousness help all those other things just not seem quite as important as they once did.

I wonder if that’s the meaning of the verse? I guess I can’t really know. For me it has changed my perspective on life in many areas. That is my understanding and what resonates in my life at this time.

When we changed gears and felt as if we weren’t willing to expend anymore energy on our current options I was afraid of letting go. Yet ever so gently, He has lovingly showed me I need not be afraid.

Putting control aside and trusting in Him isn’t weakness or giving up. It’s saying quietly, ‘I’m willing to leave it in Your hands’, and finding love there.

I’m no longer afraid.

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