Terrifying animatronic death statue or girl in your cohort who always has fresh bangs? You tell me. — You often sit in a room with a dozen other people who want you dead. 2. You had a pale, undercooked corn cob and nothing else for lunch. 3. You owe a large sum of money to a shadowy cadre of racketeers who will sell your kidneys on the black…

All starring Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise — *To pass the Bechdel test, a movie must feature two named women who talk to one another about something other than a man. Excerpt from “Men Make Fast Cars Go Fast” Woman #1: Hey there, you. Did you hear the news? About those men building a very fast car? Woman #2: You mean Keith Hudson, James McBride, and…

Seven months ago, you ate one of my yogurts. Sometimes, when you’re sleeping, your mouth reminds me of Mel Gibson’s mouth. You recently put a butter knife in the dishwasher blade-side-up. You buy weird brands of mustard. The other night, while watching Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco, you…

A List of Things to Expect on This, the Eve of My Complete Transformation into My Mother Please don’t be alarmed if I leave you many three-hour-long butt-dial voicemails. It both pains and pleases me to report that, upon sunrise, I will have finally completed the transformation into my mother, Susan. As many of you know, the process began somewhere around the age of twelve, when I…

As we grow as people, must our creative self evolve along with us? — Outside of my relationship with my mother, writing has been the longest, most reliable, and arguably most rewarding relationship of my life. It has been with me since I could hold a pencil, and I imagine it being with me until I die. Sometimes I wonder what the last word…

The price I paid for a temporary refuge, immense beauty, and some unforgettable experiences — Part One: The Tetons Four years ago, I quit my good-paying, respectable job as an acquisitions editor in Kansas and started working at a gift store in Grand Teton National Park. …