Ed. Note: Psyching myself up before work today. I’m getting $#@ done today. I’m getting a new cube 10 feet away from my current workspace, goddammit! I WILL USE THAT CUBE TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! I’m GOING TO WRITE THE SHIT OUT OF SOME EMAIL.

Dear Boss:

Business Justifications for Why I want to switch cubicles.

  1. I fear predators will eat me if I don’t have my back against a wall. I am a gazelle. Do you hate gazelles? (Ok, really I’m probably more like a llama. But whatevs.)
  2. I like to be able to duck under my desk if a nerf war breaks out, and sneak nips of whiskey now that there’s some BS ‘No beers until the end of they day’ rule in place. I’ve played enough Overwatch lately to know to look for cover when under fire!
  3. When my brain needs a Candy Crush break I don’t have to worry about whether people think I’m pooping when I go hide in the bathroom to get 5 minutes of peace.

Sometimes I triple-flush, but the secret shame is: there’s nothing there. I’m just assuming I’m being timed and judged based on bowel performance, not actually experiencing gastrointestinal discomfort.

Shit. [heh.] I just checked my calendar. The boss is out of the office today. I’ll probably just wait to talk to her when she gets back. Or send an email or something maybe, I dunno.

It’s my first time, be gentle [heh. That’s what she said.]