The Brief and Branded Life of Jane Walker and Mrs Claudia Sanders

Mar 8, 2018 · 4 min read

Mrs Claudia Sanders looks out at the sprawling lawns that lay beyond the window of her huge, white, Southern home that was probably a plantation at some point in time (but no one really ever talks about that). Her husband Colonel Sanders (who definitely never owned people) is late, yet again. He works so hard to run the company created based on the recipe that Mrs Claudia Sanders probably created.

The doorbell, which rang to the tune of ‘Dixie Land’, sounds suddenly throughout the house. Wonder who could be ringing the doorbell on this fine day of March 8th, also known as International Women’s Day? Mrs Claudia Sanders adjusts her glasses, that happened to be the exact same as her husbands, and walks to the door.

“Why, Jane Walker! What brings you to my plantat — home on this fine day of March 8th? Come on in!” Mrs Claudia Sanders welcomes the twin sister of Jonnie Walker into her foyer.

“Thank you, Mrs Claudia Sanders. Don’t mind if I do,” replies Jane Walker as she tips the brim of her top hat.

“I must say, I love those jodhpurs and riding boots. Are you an equestrian?” Mrs Claudia Sanders gestures to Jane Walker’s outfit that looks exactly like her brother Johnny Walker’s.

“I am not.”


The two stand, unsure of what to do with themselves. Much like Eve being created from the rib of Adam, Mrs Claudia Sanders and Jane Walker don’t normally exist without their male counterparts.

“Would you like some KFC Sweet Tea?” Mrs Claudia Sanders asks. “We could drink it in the living room. It would be nice to get out of the kitchen. That’s where I normally exist.”

“How about some Scotch?” Jane Walker replies. “Did you know it’s okay for women to drink that now?”

Mrs Claudia Sanders and Jane Walker make their way to the living room. They sit down next to each other on the couch. Jane Walker pulls a brand new bottle of Jane Walker Scotch from her bag.

“Oh my stars, is that you on the label?” Mrs Claudia Sanders gasps.

“Yes, my brother has asked me to be the face of his company for a few days so that women will know it is okay for them to drink scotch,” says Jane Walker as she poured two fingers of Scotch into their glasses. “It’s my purpose. It’s why I exist.” Jane Walker hands a glass to Mrs Claudia Sanders.

“I’m not sure why I exist,” ponders Mrs Claudia Sanders, sipping the scotch. “Perhaps, it is to give my husband Colonel Sanders some dimension.”

“Yes, that is a good question,” responded Jane Walker. “Lots of people were wondering if my existence was my brother transitioning into Jane Walker. But, that would have gone way too far. Way, way too far.”

Mrs Claudia Sanders nods in agreement. They sit in silence. Jane Walker drinks the rest of her Jane Walker Scotch, and then pours herself another.

“Mrs Claudia Sanders,” Jane Walker says definitively, putting down her glass of Scotch.

“Yes, Jane Walker?” Mrs Claudia Sanders responds, putting a coaster under her glass.

“I don’t know much, like why I am here or for how long I’ll exist. And since my life is so fleeting and so uncertain, I needed to come here to tell you something.” Jane Walker leans in, taking her top hat off and placing it over her heart. “I think I love you, Mrs Claudia Sanders.”

Mrs Claudia Sanders gasps as her jaw drops.

“I know it’s sudden, much like my very existence. But since we will only be here for a short period of time, we must make it count,” said Jane Walker.

“Women can like Scotch? And other women?” Mrs Claudia Sanders exclaims.

“Yes, I know. It’s shocking news.”

“Since women can like other women, I must say, I think I love you too Jane Walker.”

Jane Walker leans in and says, “May I kiss you?” Mrs Claudia Sanders nods. The two share an intimate, branded kiss.

“The Colonel may be home soon. Where can we go to be together through the rest of our short existences? There must be a place that is good and safe for women,” Mrs Claudia Sanders says.

“I know a place,” Jane Walker says as the two stand. “McDonald’s. They turned their logo upside down. It is no longer an ‘M’. It is now a ‘W’ to represent women.”

“Perfect. Let us spent the rest of our short lives together,” Mrs Claudia Sanders says as she takes Jane Walker’s hand.

The two look at each other lovingly as they make their way to WcDonalds.

Have a branded International Women’s Day, dear reader.

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