Do you consider yourself a good person?
Why ethics and integrity may only take you so far
I recently had an…ahem…discussion…with a friend. Like any good discussion between two individuals, there was some attitude, some unnecessarily negative tone, plenty of shame and blame, and, ultimately, a finding of common understanding and reluctant reconciliation.
This experience reminded me of the need to “fight right” when engaging in crucial conversations. Even more importantly, it made me consider how my own overarching self-conceptualization and worldview, particularly my personal ethics and sense of integrity, play into how I fight when I find myself in disagreement with others or their actions.
Zooming out, my sense of self influences every interaction I have with other human beings every day — begging the questions:
- What kind of person do I think I am?
- related to this, What implications does this have for how I treat others (and myself)?
- and the final question: Is this relationship between my personal ethics/integrity and my behavior perhaps counterintuitively / oppositely (negatively?) correlated?
Ethics and Integrity within the context of being raised by Fundamentalist Christians
Ethics concerns itself with resolving questions of human morality by defining concepts such as good and evil, right and wrong, virtue and vice, justice and crime.
I was raised by fundamentalist Christians with a rather narrow definition of right and wrong. Good and evil was a black and white matter with very little room for interpretation, and there was no doubt that you always wanted to find yourself on the good or right side of things.
To be fundamentally good was always a deep value, instilled from childhood. Moral goodness or ethical truth was defined concretely, and in relation to a wrathful higher power who punished evil, unethical conduct.
As I grew up, I came to adopt a rather fixed mindset about a lot of things, including questions of moral philosophy: how I understood these concepts, and how I conducted myself, and judged others in relation to them.
Interestingly, despite the fact that I now consider myself an atheist and in many ways have worked to embrace a growth mindset, I still find that in some of the most foundational ways, I continue to operate from a fixed perspective of what is good or bad, right or wrong, ethical or unethical. While in some ways this helps me go through life with integrity, I would suggest that it often operates as more of a handicap than an asset.
Ethics and Personal Integrity as a Handicap
Over the years, when I have had arguments, I’ve noticed a personal tendency toward self-righteousness. I tend towards feeling morally superior, something that is probably derived from that fixed sense that my beliefs, actions, or affiliations are of greater virtue than those of the average person.
This is obviously not ideal for many reasons — first of all, nobody likes to be around somebody who obviously thinks themselves better than everybody else in the room; furthermore, self-righteous individuals are often intolerant of the opinions and behaviors of others.
I often experience disappointment in myself or others because of misplaced high moral expectations, both personally and professionally. This disappointment has led me to conclude that personal ethics and integrity can actually be more of a hiccup than a help on the journey to form meaningful and loving relationships.
Personally, I often fail to listen fully to others’ complaints and acknowledge my part in causing them before genuinely apologizing. Over and over I think I am being apologetic when in fact I am just being defensive and prioritizing being right over being loving.
Professionally, I tend to value my own contributions and efforts more highly than those of others, believing that they are somehow of greater importance or reflect superiority. I also tend to judge others’ contributions rather harshly, failing to appreciate their perspective and hard work. While this could result in simply holding myself and others to a high standard in my work (operating with integrity), it also can also lead to the fundamental attribution error or actor-observer bias.
Research shows, over and over, that cultivating healthy relationships is the most important factor contributing to happiness and fulfillment in life. So, if clinging to my own brand of personal ethics damages meaningful personal or professional relationships, perhaps, counterintuitively, it’s time to let go of the idea that I am a fundamentally good person?
So what’s the alternative?
As in most things, the cure for a fixed mindset is to practice ways of thinking and behaving that encourage a growth mindset instead. This is difficult in educational contexts like the classroom, and I suspect may be even more challenging in personal situations.
Culturally, in America we tend to really push people to be the best. Individualism is a cultural value and this can accidentally cause a lot of selfishness as we put on blinders to get ahead while leaving others in the dust.
So, what if we flipped conventional personal ethics on its head? What if, instead of considering ourselves to be morally superior and then accidentally treading others poorly, we thought less of ourselves and more of others?
Currently my mental model goes something like:
“I am a fundamentally good person and that means everything I do has a high level of personal ethics/integrity and goodness poured into it. I expect this of myself AND of others.”
This is kind of recipe for disaster, or at least constant disappointment. Not only do I often behave badly and disappoint myself; others can almost never meet my sky-high expectations. I have been told this directly by colleagues and well-meaning friends and family. It may even have contributed to some of my difficulty finding contentment as a classroom teacher — while high expectations for student learning are important, can you imagine what it would feel like to never live up to all your teacher expected of you?
What if, instead, I switched my internal monologue to be something like this:
“I’m kind of a meat bag — I’m wired to be selfish and put my own interests first, because that’s simply part of the human condition. I acknowledge this, because in owning my selfishness, I can forgive my own shortcomings AND those of others, which are also natural parts of being human. Furthermore, I commit to taking the goodness I used to mis-apply to my CHARACTER and put it into my ACTIONS towards others instead.”
Of course, you don’t want an admission that you are an inherently flawed human to be a gateway to giving yourself permission to behave badly. Hence the “furthermore’ part of the equation. BOTH parts are essential:
- acknowledging you’re not as great as you think you are (what a relief! You’re off the hook for being perfect all of the time!) AND
- committing to be on your best behavior anyway (you are still on the line to be your best self when it comes to how you treat others).
So, do you consider yourself a good person?
What if your answer was “no”?
I’m going to try to not consider myself inherently good anymore.
Because I’m not! I’m selfish and I fail and most things, and I definitely need forgiveness, flexibility, and patience from those around me for my shortcomings every single day. It’s a relief to admit this and own it.
Essentially, taking personal ethics out of the subjective realm of how you define your character and instead pouring your ethics into the concrete world of your observable actions is the goal.
At the end of the day, who really cares what you think of yourself? Turns out, only you do. Everyone else is busy thinking of what they think of themselves.
In the end, people only care about what you do and how your actions make them feel. Focus on this, and you’ll probably be happier in your relationships, and thus, your life!
